I think there is something to be said for visualisation. For making a mental image and then setting out to make that mental image real.
Now that things are settling in terms of career and work, I can have a chance to better visualise the career and future I want to have for myself in that regard. With that comes what kind of home I want to live in ... what it looks like ... Though maybe I'm still working on where it exists. *chuckle* Which affects the form it takes, but at least perhaps I can get a feeling for it.
This idea was highlighted to me by my friend C. She said that it might be useful to visualise the person that I want to be with. Yes an ideal perhaps. A body type, a personality type and so on. And then when you see/find them, you'll know what to do.
I'm going to have to think about that a little more. I mean the infatuation has passed but there was a reason for it. Some deep instinctual reason perhaps. We'll see ... *smile*
More later ....
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day and Tears
You know I didnt start crying or feel emotional because it was Valentine's Day. I cried because it is 3 more weeks and I will be a real Dr. And after all these many years and all the struggles and heartbreaks and pains and losses and suffering and EVERYTHING .... 3 more weeks. I never thought I'd see this day. And to hear people say that I would make a great doctor ... just hurts my heart. Maybe because he didnt ... didnt believe it and hated that I did it and that I valued doing it. And I almost lost both things ... but I only lost 1 thing - which was the marriage. And here I am and I havent lost this.
Somehow I have made it, somehow I have walked far enough and long enough ... taken enough steps forward that I am here.
Somehow I made it.
Somehow I have made it, somehow I have walked far enough and long enough ... taken enough steps forward that I am here.
Somehow I made it.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
It's nice when people care enough to listen to what you have to say
It's nice when people value what you have to say.
When they give it weight and meaning and purpose.
It's nice.
I think sometimes the worst thing in life can be when people dont care ... when they behave negatively.
I had a nice evening today just getting to know these new people. They dont know anything about my life either. But it is nice to be invited along to these social events. I never thought I could afford to be social on week days but since I dont have exams anymore ... I can be. Dont know if I like it or ... well ... one must make an effort.
The worst thing is to never have tried.
Must keep trying.
Where else is there to move but forward?
When they give it weight and meaning and purpose.
It's nice.
I think sometimes the worst thing in life can be when people dont care ... when they behave negatively.
I had a nice evening today just getting to know these new people. They dont know anything about my life either. But it is nice to be invited along to these social events. I never thought I could afford to be social on week days but since I dont have exams anymore ... I can be. Dont know if I like it or ... well ... one must make an effort.
The worst thing is to never have tried.
Must keep trying.
Where else is there to move but forward?
Hopefully passing
Well yes hopefully this infatuation is passing. I think he's really interested in someone else.
It's good to be able to sit down and think about things. Writing them down does help clear my thoughts.
Right now I'm thinking about relationships ... how they make life meaningful. And would it be possible to have that kind of some one in my life again. Would I do it differently? Probably, if only to avoid past mistakes. But was it really anything a mistake on my part? Perhaps some components of the mistakes were on his part?
Either way, it is not something that can be quantified and analysed and settled. Such is life and such it is. Some things have no answers.
Ah ... it is not that I value my career more than my relationships. It is that ... perhaps relationships have disappointed me ... well those sort of relationships. And in some ways, the career stuff is something more concrete.
No material objects mean nothing if they have no meaning. Life's experiences are nothing that we can share if we do not have someone to share it with. And yet .... where would be find that someone or those people who share in our joys who dance with our hearts full of joy ... who understanding that life is worth to be living .... and to revel in it.
Where shall I find him? Maybe somewhere out there on the ocean front ... where the waves rush into the beach. Maybe somewhere ... where it is silence and quiet and there is no sound but the wind and the waves. Somewhere nowhere .... Who knows. I wish I had an answer. I wish I had certainty.
It's good to be able to sit down and think about things. Writing them down does help clear my thoughts.
Right now I'm thinking about relationships ... how they make life meaningful. And would it be possible to have that kind of some one in my life again. Would I do it differently? Probably, if only to avoid past mistakes. But was it really anything a mistake on my part? Perhaps some components of the mistakes were on his part?
Either way, it is not something that can be quantified and analysed and settled. Such is life and such it is. Some things have no answers.
Ah ... it is not that I value my career more than my relationships. It is that ... perhaps relationships have disappointed me ... well those sort of relationships. And in some ways, the career stuff is something more concrete.
No material objects mean nothing if they have no meaning. Life's experiences are nothing that we can share if we do not have someone to share it with. And yet .... where would be find that someone or those people who share in our joys who dance with our hearts full of joy ... who understanding that life is worth to be living .... and to revel in it.
Where shall I find him? Maybe somewhere out there on the ocean front ... where the waves rush into the beach. Maybe somewhere ... where it is silence and quiet and there is no sound but the wind and the waves. Somewhere nowhere .... Who knows. I wish I had an answer. I wish I had certainty.
Monday, February 11, 2008
A slight infatuation
About 2 weeks ago, I met a few new people and one of them was a guy called Q. Now at first I really didnt see anything that interesting about Q, and especially since he seemed more interested in Z than in me. *chuckle* No surprise since I was having more fun dancing with B (he's getting married in 1 month) so nothing's going to happen there. *chuckle* But B has a great personality - funny and such. We have some great synergy together.
Now late last week, I saw Q again. He was dressed just as smartly but this time wearing his glasses. And for some reason, that whole look of dark blue jeans, dark blue collared shirt and the glasses made me sorta go "Oh!". Granted the man was very nice and he often smiled back at me and looked me right in the eye as if he had nothing to hide, was wonderful. I think he has blue eyes and reddish blonde hair. It felt perfectly comfortable sitting beside him at dinner and standing near him. The right height perhaps? Oh well ... the thing is, now I've been slightly more infatuated since late last week. Hope it passes *chuckle* before I make a fool of myself by sheer accident.
While it is of a low probability that a guy that like would be interested in me ... or well perhaps I dont really know what he is or isnt interested in ... anyway ... guys like that ... well ... I was about to say that I've never attracted guys like that before. But hey who knows ... maybe my luck will change. Maybe since I was with someone all those years, there was no way for a guy like that to even like me. *chuckle*
But I've been entertaining day dreams of being loved like I ought to be. Like I deserve. I smile to myself when those thoughts come to me. I think, yes, it would be nice to have someone to care for and to care for me. Someone to build a life with that I am still dreaming of having. It would be nice to find that right person ... or for that right person to find me more precisely! Someone to be proud of my accomplishments and to support me in the things that I do. I would of course be supportive of their goals and dreams too. That kind of mutual partnership with the knowledge that we were both lucky to have found one another and thus to treasure one another rather than to take it all for granted.
Yes I'd like that chance again. I like having this feeling of hope that it could be. I'm telling myself pointedly that it wont be Q cos I'm just momentarily infatuated and he's well ... probably interested in someone else. At any rate, we've only met twice and ... it's not like he knows anything about me much really. Still we'll see ... there might be someone out there after all.
Someone who will love me for me. For all my goodnesses and kindness of heart. For all my lack of wearing make up and being practical. For all those things and whatever ... for my imprefections and my faults .... Maybe ... one day. Some day. Who knows.
Now late last week, I saw Q again. He was dressed just as smartly but this time wearing his glasses. And for some reason, that whole look of dark blue jeans, dark blue collared shirt and the glasses made me sorta go "Oh!". Granted the man was very nice and he often smiled back at me and looked me right in the eye as if he had nothing to hide, was wonderful. I think he has blue eyes and reddish blonde hair. It felt perfectly comfortable sitting beside him at dinner and standing near him. The right height perhaps? Oh well ... the thing is, now I've been slightly more infatuated since late last week. Hope it passes *chuckle* before I make a fool of myself by sheer accident.
While it is of a low probability that a guy that like would be interested in me ... or well perhaps I dont really know what he is or isnt interested in ... anyway ... guys like that ... well ... I was about to say that I've never attracted guys like that before. But hey who knows ... maybe my luck will change. Maybe since I was with someone all those years, there was no way for a guy like that to even like me. *chuckle*
But I've been entertaining day dreams of being loved like I ought to be. Like I deserve. I smile to myself when those thoughts come to me. I think, yes, it would be nice to have someone to care for and to care for me. Someone to build a life with that I am still dreaming of having. It would be nice to find that right person ... or for that right person to find me more precisely! Someone to be proud of my accomplishments and to support me in the things that I do. I would of course be supportive of their goals and dreams too. That kind of mutual partnership with the knowledge that we were both lucky to have found one another and thus to treasure one another rather than to take it all for granted.
Yes I'd like that chance again. I like having this feeling of hope that it could be. I'm telling myself pointedly that it wont be Q cos I'm just momentarily infatuated and he's well ... probably interested in someone else. At any rate, we've only met twice and ... it's not like he knows anything about me much really. Still we'll see ... there might be someone out there after all.
Someone who will love me for me. For all my goodnesses and kindness of heart. For all my lack of wearing make up and being practical. For all those things and whatever ... for my imprefections and my faults .... Maybe ... one day. Some day. Who knows.
Read in Cosmopolitan - 3 Trial "One Night Stands"
It was an interesting article that talked about how where before the one night stand was just a clumsy attempt to explore intimacy between 2 completely separate people, now it could be considered a way to "trial" men to see if they were any good.
What a brilliant concept!
I'd slept with D on the first date, because in my mind, I wanted to assess if he was going to be any good. Or if it was just going to be a waste of time. After the years I spent, I wasnt going to be with someone who was totally disinterested in sex or that it was going to be boring out of my brain.
Actually I wasnt that impressed and only consented to sleep with him once or twice more before I said, "Uh sorry I dont think this will work. I dont want to sleep with you anymore." To which he said things like "but you already did." and "you're just denying me."
The fact was, he hadnt earned the right to sleep with me anymore. I'd given him a trial in terms of the relationship and the sex and it didnt work out. Funnily enough I should have stuck with my guns those 3 months ago *chuckle* Just because I slept with you a couple of times to see if you were any good, doesnt mean I'm going to keep sleeping with you. Uh it is not good? Lol.
Anyway, so this article that I read in Cosmo today gave me words for a concept that I had already been working on. Women are able to assess within a few minutes really if someone would be suitable ... and you know, I think there's something to be said for that instant attraction. After all, if there was a little spark to start with, then there may be more to it?
Addit : Almost forgot to mention. The article also said that women who sleep with the same man after a while develop a chemical connection and then it becomes more difficult to break it off. Ah hah! That makes sense ....
What a brilliant concept!
I'd slept with D on the first date, because in my mind, I wanted to assess if he was going to be any good. Or if it was just going to be a waste of time. After the years I spent, I wasnt going to be with someone who was totally disinterested in sex or that it was going to be boring out of my brain.
Actually I wasnt that impressed and only consented to sleep with him once or twice more before I said, "Uh sorry I dont think this will work. I dont want to sleep with you anymore." To which he said things like "but you already did." and "you're just denying me."
The fact was, he hadnt earned the right to sleep with me anymore. I'd given him a trial in terms of the relationship and the sex and it didnt work out. Funnily enough I should have stuck with my guns those 3 months ago *chuckle* Just because I slept with you a couple of times to see if you were any good, doesnt mean I'm going to keep sleeping with you. Uh it is not good? Lol.
Anyway, so this article that I read in Cosmo today gave me words for a concept that I had already been working on. Women are able to assess within a few minutes really if someone would be suitable ... and you know, I think there's something to be said for that instant attraction. After all, if there was a little spark to start with, then there may be more to it?
Addit : Almost forgot to mention. The article also said that women who sleep with the same man after a while develop a chemical connection and then it becomes more difficult to break it off. Ah hah! That makes sense ....
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Joshua Bell
I have discovered the amazing Joshua Bell.
The Girl with the Flaxen Hair link
Liebesleid and Liebesfreud
Beethoven 1/5, 2/5, 3/5, 4/5 and 5/5.
Ave Maria
The Girl with the Flaxen Hair link
Liebesleid and Liebesfreud
Beethoven 1/5, 2/5, 3/5, 4/5 and 5/5.
Ave Maria
Thursday, February 7, 2008
turning points
Yeap another turning point. Fantasticulabulous!
I love when things highlight other things and make you think / realise.
I have been talking to QK lately now that we're back in communication. It's great. He ... appreciates me for who and what I am. That I am a little crazy, that I am a little chatty and so on. He thinks i'm funny and laughs at the things I say.
I realised this was such a massive difference to D. Who was so self absorbed that he didnt ... engage almost. Even now he's still wrapped up in his own world. Concerned with all things that are related to him. In fact one thing that has upset me most, is that even though he religiously reads the newspapers online etc ... when there was a massive explosion at my building, causing us to evacuate and to be in the 1st link of the online version of the newspaper for the whole day ... he didnt see it? The specific name of the apartment I live in was mentioned! And you know ... I think he is also just using the excuse of being honest and upfront as an excuse precisely to get what he wants in a non-manipulative kind of way and then also to get out. What irritates me is that he was the one who was so keen to start with, as I mentioned earlier .... and then he is so keen to back out. *rolls my eyes* oh well ... multiple turning points and I will cease communication with him. Wishing him happy chinese new year was just a bad idea. Should have just kept non-comminicado and not bothered to wish him at all or to try this 'being' friends thing.
So QK has in some ways allowed me to re-view myself in the light I was familiar with. He doesnt spend all his time questioning me, arguing with me or misunderstanding me. Oh what a relief. I'd forgotten how smooth/nice it can get.
I love when things highlight other things and make you think / realise.
I have been talking to QK lately now that we're back in communication. It's great. He ... appreciates me for who and what I am. That I am a little crazy, that I am a little chatty and so on. He thinks i'm funny and laughs at the things I say.
I realised this was such a massive difference to D. Who was so self absorbed that he didnt ... engage almost. Even now he's still wrapped up in his own world. Concerned with all things that are related to him. In fact one thing that has upset me most, is that even though he religiously reads the newspapers online etc ... when there was a massive explosion at my building, causing us to evacuate and to be in the 1st link of the online version of the newspaper for the whole day ... he didnt see it? The specific name of the apartment I live in was mentioned! And you know ... I think he is also just using the excuse of being honest and upfront as an excuse precisely to get what he wants in a non-manipulative kind of way and then also to get out. What irritates me is that he was the one who was so keen to start with, as I mentioned earlier .... and then he is so keen to back out. *rolls my eyes* oh well ... multiple turning points and I will cease communication with him. Wishing him happy chinese new year was just a bad idea. Should have just kept non-comminicado and not bothered to wish him at all or to try this 'being' friends thing.
So QK has in some ways allowed me to re-view myself in the light I was familiar with. He doesnt spend all his time questioning me, arguing with me or misunderstanding me. Oh what a relief. I'd forgotten how smooth/nice it can get.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Talk about low impact
Ok I was sad about not speaking to D quite a bit for 1 day after, and the 2nd day after too I was a little sorry etc.
I realise that the impact/difference he made to my life was very very little. I really didnt notice that I wasnt talking to him at all. It's like we were 2 persons who walked past each other and stopped to talk by the side of a busy street.
I was dressed to the nines last night. I think I wanted him to see me, rather than so much I wanted to see him. Either way, it didnt happened. I did call him but he was too tired. As usual. *shrugs shoulders* Turned out for the best since I spent the night dancing with some new friends from the drinks party *chuckle* What's funny is that I think it's done now. If I never speak to him again, I wont miss him at all.
I'm odd like that. I know that when I let go, I usually need a while, and then one more encounter and then depending on how that encounter goes - then it's over for good. And that person is out of my mind/contact.
Like with N ... When I broke up with him, some time later I wrote an email to him. His reply was too insubstantial. So later when he wrote to me on my birthday, I just wasnt inclined to reply anyway. What for? For more insubstantial replies?
However, I dont know with D. I dont know that I want to waste time keeping him as a friend. He's not a friend who gives as much as a friend who takes. Q herself is also shallow-ish in a deep way. It's hard to describe. Anyway .. who knows and who cares.
I realise that the impact/difference he made to my life was very very little. I really didnt notice that I wasnt talking to him at all. It's like we were 2 persons who walked past each other and stopped to talk by the side of a busy street.
I was dressed to the nines last night. I think I wanted him to see me, rather than so much I wanted to see him. Either way, it didnt happened. I did call him but he was too tired. As usual. *shrugs shoulders* Turned out for the best since I spent the night dancing with some new friends from the drinks party *chuckle* What's funny is that I think it's done now. If I never speak to him again, I wont miss him at all.
I'm odd like that. I know that when I let go, I usually need a while, and then one more encounter and then depending on how that encounter goes - then it's over for good. And that person is out of my mind/contact.
Like with N ... When I broke up with him, some time later I wrote an email to him. His reply was too insubstantial. So later when he wrote to me on my birthday, I just wasnt inclined to reply anyway. What for? For more insubstantial replies?
However, I dont know with D. I dont know that I want to waste time keeping him as a friend. He's not a friend who gives as much as a friend who takes. Q herself is also shallow-ish in a deep way. It's hard to describe. Anyway .. who knows and who cares.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
What I have today ...
Today is a day I could use a place to rest.
I am heart ached to know where and when someone who will love me for me will come into my life.
I am heartached to let people who I care for go. for their own sakes. not even for mine.
I am sad that sometimes there are those who I care about so deeply for ... do not care back in the same way.
and I have tears
and I have sorrow today.
I am heart ached to know where and when someone who will love me for me will come into my life.
I am heartached to let people who I care for go. for their own sakes. not even for mine.
I am sad that sometimes there are those who I care about so deeply for ... do not care back in the same way.
and I have tears
and I have sorrow today.
Monday, January 28, 2008
A goodbye poem for D
I always write when I'm feeling emotions. And this time is no different. I've grown to enjoy his company and I will miss it. I'll miss the sex too. Sigh. Maybe he didn't and doesn't feel anything, but I do. I have to feel something otherwise I couldn't have slept with him.
At least he never lied to me or as far as I know, to himself. For that I am appreciative and grateful.
So the poem.
Shall I miss thee as the morning sun rises,
Its eminience a warmth in the sky.
I release you from my wintry sigh.
Away to freedom, now you can fly.
To seek the joys of dreams unmet
Looking for that one soul of kismet.
In truth, no one can read the stars.
Only our heart can guide us so far.
In journeys we have yet to make
Perhaps without too many mistakes.
We might find what we think we seek
Though we know not, our heart is meek.
No answer shall be clear as day
For the night is what clouds our minds.
Sorrow I do not keep.
I release it to the sands of time.
Good luck, good morrow.
Good journey, good day.
Know that I have loved you,
And for that love, I let you slip away.
At least he never lied to me or as far as I know, to himself. For that I am appreciative and grateful.
So the poem.
Shall I miss thee as the morning sun rises,
Its eminience a warmth in the sky.
I release you from my wintry sigh.
Away to freedom, now you can fly.
To seek the joys of dreams unmet
Looking for that one soul of kismet.
In truth, no one can read the stars.
Only our heart can guide us so far.
In journeys we have yet to make
Perhaps without too many mistakes.
We might find what we think we seek
Though we know not, our heart is meek.
No answer shall be clear as day
For the night is what clouds our minds.
Sorrow I do not keep.
I release it to the sands of time.
Good luck, good morrow.
Good journey, good day.
Know that I have loved you,
And for that love, I let you slip away.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Trust
I realised recently that I fundamentally can no longer trust people within relationships.
I cannot trust their words, their actions or their promises. I do not accept/believe in their apologies either.
And I shut down my emotions quicker than a match can be lit. This happens when I am rejected about something, when I have genuinely tried to explain something or other things.
K asked me once, "Why is it I cant even make any mistakes?" This was in reference to saying he would come up to visit me, promising, and then the next day saying "oh oops I have some bills." It is not because he made mistakes, but it was the type and number of mistakes that he made that caused me to be no longer able to trust him. In our final conversation, I said that there is nothing more for me to say. And that was the goodbye. I hope his kid, K, is ok. His Dad tends to leave him at home alone for 48 hrs at a time. But I've discussed the various complexities of this with someone qualified, and I dont have to make a report.
Also, when I was emotionally attached to Cb, and he failed to keep his promises to me ... I just walked away.
Anyway, so when D tries to tell me this or that ... when I am hurt, I shut down, I push him away and I walk away. It is reflex now.
Today the childn protection lady talked about how the babies who are neglected are often mistaken for quiet babies. They simply lay there without crying. When babies cry, they have hope that someone will come. When after many times, no one comes, then they no longer cry.
It is like that. In the past, I would ask, I would beg, etc etc ... and nothing. And so I no longer ask, beg or anything. I no longer wish to do that. There is no hope about things. What would be the point?
I am grateful that I am one person who has probably great insight and ability to have insight to themselves. I am often reflecting and contemplating things.
So it seems I am like a baby without hope that anyone will come when you call. It seems that my emotional life is not something that I can make better. Such hopelessness about things. Sigh.
I cannot trust their words, their actions or their promises. I do not accept/believe in their apologies either.
And I shut down my emotions quicker than a match can be lit. This happens when I am rejected about something, when I have genuinely tried to explain something or other things.
K asked me once, "Why is it I cant even make any mistakes?" This was in reference to saying he would come up to visit me, promising, and then the next day saying "oh oops I have some bills." It is not because he made mistakes, but it was the type and number of mistakes that he made that caused me to be no longer able to trust him. In our final conversation, I said that there is nothing more for me to say. And that was the goodbye. I hope his kid, K, is ok. His Dad tends to leave him at home alone for 48 hrs at a time. But I've discussed the various complexities of this with someone qualified, and I dont have to make a report.
Also, when I was emotionally attached to Cb, and he failed to keep his promises to me ... I just walked away.
Anyway, so when D tries to tell me this or that ... when I am hurt, I shut down, I push him away and I walk away. It is reflex now.
Today the childn protection lady talked about how the babies who are neglected are often mistaken for quiet babies. They simply lay there without crying. When babies cry, they have hope that someone will come. When after many times, no one comes, then they no longer cry.
It is like that. In the past, I would ask, I would beg, etc etc ... and nothing. And so I no longer ask, beg or anything. I no longer wish to do that. There is no hope about things. What would be the point?
I am grateful that I am one person who has probably great insight and ability to have insight to themselves. I am often reflecting and contemplating things.
So it seems I am like a baby without hope that anyone will come when you call. It seems that my emotional life is not something that I can make better. Such hopelessness about things. Sigh.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A turning point or moment ...
I think in life we have many turning points or crucial moments. There are the moments in which the decisions we make affect the nature and direction of our lives. These are the moments which determine future action.
I do think a lot, perhaps too much. Often times I think before I act, but I seldom think before I say because I speak as I think. However, this thinking before I act thing, gets in the way sometimes. Because I am thinking. However, once I have decided, firmly and actually decided, then there is no turning back from the decision. I have considered as much as I could, I analysed as much as I could, and there I made the decision to the best of my knowledge.
It was a few nights ago that I recieved this turning point with D. We had had a couple of conversations which were long and depthful in that kind of heavy way. Various comments were bandied about but most of all I tried to explain to him that we werent the same kind of people - we didnt do things the same way.
Prime example, he's interested and wants to spend time to see how things go. Me? I just think, uh what's the point if we're not going to be compatible? And so we meet in a deadlock with me not really wanting to see him (Because what's the point) and him not knowing what we'll be like together because he cant see me.
We have similar goals ... just different ways of approaching it. Which confuses us both. It's not too bad as long as you remember that you are 2 very different people and brain patterns and thought processess dont necessarily work in that way.
We were having a conversation. I said "Well you're not in love with me. That's a fact." His answer was, how could he be? We'd hardly spent any time together. And that when I said things like that, it put pressure on him. I dont understand why it would. It's a fact that he is not in love with me. He's in desire perhaps, he wants what I can give him that he cannot get from anyone else (kink), but he only wants it from me ... and he likes my company sure enough. He's gone as far as to say that his life in Sydney is better when I am there. But he's not in love with me. That is a true acknowledged fact. So why would he get upset and feel pressured when I say it? It is merely a fact.
At any rate, the turning point came ... I ... relented in my own heart. I asked for him. It was late and impractical. By the majority of logical reasoning. In a way, I needed him. When I was refused, I shut it off and was reminded of the times I was rejected and turned down perhaps, and then said fine it's ok. That night, if he had eventually not come around, I think my sense of hope for this that it might even work for a little while would be completly out the window.
As it is I'm not very convinced anyway. He wants to see me to see if it'll work out. I dont think it'll really work out, so why see each other? Lol. Conumdrum. But for the moment, I relent and will see him from time to time when it suits me. It will satisfy his requirements to see me and I will be exploring something different/new.
But we're not in love. And so ... it's a kind of slow plodding? Something like that.
Is it meant to be like that? Or is it meant to be love at first sight?
Actually I dont know but love at first sight is kind of perilous.
At any rate, I had to explain about the moment, and the turning point. Fortunately he came around to my thinking. Otherwise I wouldnt even have seen him yesterday. Or even be contemplating to see him later this week.
This experience is all very intellectually interesting ......
I do think a lot, perhaps too much. Often times I think before I act, but I seldom think before I say because I speak as I think. However, this thinking before I act thing, gets in the way sometimes. Because I am thinking. However, once I have decided, firmly and actually decided, then there is no turning back from the decision. I have considered as much as I could, I analysed as much as I could, and there I made the decision to the best of my knowledge.
It was a few nights ago that I recieved this turning point with D. We had had a couple of conversations which were long and depthful in that kind of heavy way. Various comments were bandied about but most of all I tried to explain to him that we werent the same kind of people - we didnt do things the same way.
Prime example, he's interested and wants to spend time to see how things go. Me? I just think, uh what's the point if we're not going to be compatible? And so we meet in a deadlock with me not really wanting to see him (Because what's the point) and him not knowing what we'll be like together because he cant see me.
We have similar goals ... just different ways of approaching it. Which confuses us both. It's not too bad as long as you remember that you are 2 very different people and brain patterns and thought processess dont necessarily work in that way.
We were having a conversation. I said "Well you're not in love with me. That's a fact." His answer was, how could he be? We'd hardly spent any time together. And that when I said things like that, it put pressure on him. I dont understand why it would. It's a fact that he is not in love with me. He's in desire perhaps, he wants what I can give him that he cannot get from anyone else (kink), but he only wants it from me ... and he likes my company sure enough. He's gone as far as to say that his life in Sydney is better when I am there. But he's not in love with me. That is a true acknowledged fact. So why would he get upset and feel pressured when I say it? It is merely a fact.
At any rate, the turning point came ... I ... relented in my own heart. I asked for him. It was late and impractical. By the majority of logical reasoning. In a way, I needed him. When I was refused, I shut it off and was reminded of the times I was rejected and turned down perhaps, and then said fine it's ok. That night, if he had eventually not come around, I think my sense of hope for this that it might even work for a little while would be completly out the window.
As it is I'm not very convinced anyway. He wants to see me to see if it'll work out. I dont think it'll really work out, so why see each other? Lol. Conumdrum. But for the moment, I relent and will see him from time to time when it suits me. It will satisfy his requirements to see me and I will be exploring something different/new.
But we're not in love. And so ... it's a kind of slow plodding? Something like that.
Is it meant to be like that? Or is it meant to be love at first sight?
Actually I dont know but love at first sight is kind of perilous.
At any rate, I had to explain about the moment, and the turning point. Fortunately he came around to my thinking. Otherwise I wouldnt even have seen him yesterday. Or even be contemplating to see him later this week.
This experience is all very intellectually interesting ......
Friday, January 11, 2008
Where should your Inner New Yorker live?
| You Belong in Soho |
 Although you may not be a professional artist, you do dabble in one form of art or another. And you indie culture of all kinds - from little boutiques to art house films. |
How much sex appeal do you have?
| You Are 93% Sexy |
 Your Sex Appeal Is: Off the Charts! Let's face it... you're one of the sexiest people around. And you don't let anyone forget it. You're crazy hot, and you deliver on what you promise. You are definitely one wild ride. |
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Visiting Church
I would not say that by nature I adhere well to any form of organised religion. I prefer one that allows me to retain my own opinions about the world and about life. I do not need to have a set of rules to constantly guide my life. I know what is the right thing to do and I should do it because it is what needs to be done.
So while I was grown in a convent school and we were taught that the Chapel was a place of solace, of connection with God, of where we could find comfort ... I very much dont always agree with the doctrination of the Catholic Church. Not to say I have done much reasearch or detailed analysis of it, but of what I have read ... *sigh* well ....
But I did visit Church today. Just entered into the hallowed renovated grounds. Lit an electric candle before Mother Mary. I sat and prayed, tears in my eyes, pain in my heart. It was such sorrow I had felt I had to bear. In that moment, I asked God to help me with patience, to help me with this sorrow. I said I gave my heart over to Him ... who else could I trust with it after all? And it is so broken, who would want it? At any rate, it was the first time I realised how it is possible people devote their life to God. For me, it was a means of escape and exit from the real world, if I give it up then I no longer have to think about it.
It was almost like I made a vow that day. But not quite. I will need to think on this a little more.
So while I was grown in a convent school and we were taught that the Chapel was a place of solace, of connection with God, of where we could find comfort ... I very much dont always agree with the doctrination of the Catholic Church. Not to say I have done much reasearch or detailed analysis of it, but of what I have read ... *sigh* well ....
But I did visit Church today. Just entered into the hallowed renovated grounds. Lit an electric candle before Mother Mary. I sat and prayed, tears in my eyes, pain in my heart. It was such sorrow I had felt I had to bear. In that moment, I asked God to help me with patience, to help me with this sorrow. I said I gave my heart over to Him ... who else could I trust with it after all? And it is so broken, who would want it? At any rate, it was the first time I realised how it is possible people devote their life to God. For me, it was a means of escape and exit from the real world, if I give it up then I no longer have to think about it.
It was almost like I made a vow that day. But not quite. I will need to think on this a little more.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Learning to play the violin
I decided I needed an instrument. My piano was still in storage and I wasn't (in the near future) going to get a chance to take it out. So I decided to take violin lessons.
I had a Russian teacher, M. She's really lovely and we are close in our age. I like the fact that she's strict without being critical. Firm without being tempermental. She has a passion for teaching which I admire and I want to be a better student.
2 weeks later, there has been some improvement. The violin sounds less like a wailing cat and my arms and shoulders don't hurt/ache as much. Well you're not supposed to be playing with your shoulders.
Fingers curved like a cat's paw. Right wrist to make a mountain while holding the bow - and to feel the fingers. Shoulders down, play the violin like Buddha!
M said I thought too hard about it. Hence the tension earlier in my playing. There's still tension because I'm trying hard to get it right. But she's teaching me, that perhaps if I think less, doubt myself less ... the goal will be easier to accomplish.
I had a Russian teacher, M. She's really lovely and we are close in our age. I like the fact that she's strict without being critical. Firm without being tempermental. She has a passion for teaching which I admire and I want to be a better student.
2 weeks later, there has been some improvement. The violin sounds less like a wailing cat and my arms and shoulders don't hurt/ache as much. Well you're not supposed to be playing with your shoulders.
Fingers curved like a cat's paw. Right wrist to make a mountain while holding the bow - and to feel the fingers. Shoulders down, play the violin like Buddha!
M said I thought too hard about it. Hence the tension earlier in my playing. There's still tension because I'm trying hard to get it right. But she's teaching me, that perhaps if I think less, doubt myself less ... the goal will be easier to accomplish.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Christmas ...
Christmas this year was very different from Christmas last year. In fact, it was during this year that I regained my self and my independence. I have much to be grateful for this year. I completed my medical degree and I learned to step slowly away from the pain of losing my husband. I think the pain is not as sharp as it used to be, neither is it that kind of dull heart ache I was so used to while I was married .... but still it is sorrowful.
Why do some work it out? Some end up going separate ways? What is the answer? Perhaps there is none. Perhaps it is as much Fate as is meeting someone.
I tell my heart over and over again to hold it closed against the rest of the world. No one else shall ever venture within to know or to come close enough to hurt. Not unless they can win my trust first. And that is hard to do as it is.
Ah the best is if I dont desire to be loved ... I will train my heart. Like I have trained it. I will break it before I let anyone else break it. I will work hard and forget the rest. If I fill my time with things, I cannot have time to dwell of what is not meant to be mine.
Why do some work it out? Some end up going separate ways? What is the answer? Perhaps there is none. Perhaps it is as much Fate as is meeting someone.
I tell my heart over and over again to hold it closed against the rest of the world. No one else shall ever venture within to know or to come close enough to hurt. Not unless they can win my trust first. And that is hard to do as it is.
Ah the best is if I dont desire to be loved ... I will train my heart. Like I have trained it. I will break it before I let anyone else break it. I will work hard and forget the rest. If I fill my time with things, I cannot have time to dwell of what is not meant to be mine.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Dreams ...
I dont want to dream of you. I dont want to dream that you will come back to me and love me like you used to do all those years ago. But here this night, with 3 nights in a row, I dreamed of you. The first night, the dream was so vivid that I woke in tears in a darkened room. I lived a different life now than the life I had with you, but not everything that we shared was gone. It was a 10 year relationship.
Whenever something like this happens, I remember a conversation we had. I was ranting with anger at you for giving up. You said ... "I thought after 4 months you'd have gotten over it."
4 months is not enough to get over a 10 year relationship. 1 year from that first measure of time, I am now more settled about it. But I loved you deeply and greatly. I sacrificed so much for our relationship, to be with you .... How could I so easily let it all go? 4 months? Did you get over me in 4 months?? Did my time with you mean so little?
Oh I know I have a chance to have a better life without you in it now. You are not there to keep me from studying, from achieving my goals and dreams. You are not there to hurt me. You are not there to say hurtful things to me and to bring my confidence down. You are not there to make my heart ache with sorrow. You are not there to make me be the only one to keep our home clean and to cook for you everyday because you do not cook. You can hardly even wash your own clothes. Sigh. I had to do it all. And struggle. And I had no love or reward for it all.
And then you left.
How am I supposed to get over that so easily or quickly? My life was entwined with yours. Engrained. I accepted your family as my own. I treated your brother and sister like my own siblings. I gave care to your parents in the same way that I gave care to your parents. It is fortunate they have both passed on. They would be sorrowful to know what has become of us. I know they liked me a great deal. I was lucky to have them as in-laws. I still cant believe that you said that their death did not affect you at all. And when you shut me out again and again ... what more could I do. I had hardly enough strength for myself anymore.
I dont want to dream of you please. I dont want to dream these secret hopes that you had never left - even though I was sad - and I dont want to dream that you came back and apologised and promised that you wanted to try again and spoke to me with tenderness and treated me so.
I dont want to cry any more tears over you. I loved you. I was your wife. I made a promise. I made a vow.
You made that promise. You made that vow. And you broke them ..... you did not treasure me, nor cherish me. You did not stick it out through thick and thin, for richer or poorer. You walked away ..... and how my heart hurts for that abandonment.
Whenever something like this happens, I remember a conversation we had. I was ranting with anger at you for giving up. You said ... "I thought after 4 months you'd have gotten over it."
4 months is not enough to get over a 10 year relationship. 1 year from that first measure of time, I am now more settled about it. But I loved you deeply and greatly. I sacrificed so much for our relationship, to be with you .... How could I so easily let it all go? 4 months? Did you get over me in 4 months?? Did my time with you mean so little?
Oh I know I have a chance to have a better life without you in it now. You are not there to keep me from studying, from achieving my goals and dreams. You are not there to hurt me. You are not there to say hurtful things to me and to bring my confidence down. You are not there to make my heart ache with sorrow. You are not there to make me be the only one to keep our home clean and to cook for you everyday because you do not cook. You can hardly even wash your own clothes. Sigh. I had to do it all. And struggle. And I had no love or reward for it all.
And then you left.
How am I supposed to get over that so easily or quickly? My life was entwined with yours. Engrained. I accepted your family as my own. I treated your brother and sister like my own siblings. I gave care to your parents in the same way that I gave care to your parents. It is fortunate they have both passed on. They would be sorrowful to know what has become of us. I know they liked me a great deal. I was lucky to have them as in-laws. I still cant believe that you said that their death did not affect you at all. And when you shut me out again and again ... what more could I do. I had hardly enough strength for myself anymore.
I dont want to dream of you please. I dont want to dream these secret hopes that you had never left - even though I was sad - and I dont want to dream that you came back and apologised and promised that you wanted to try again and spoke to me with tenderness and treated me so.
I dont want to cry any more tears over you. I loved you. I was your wife. I made a promise. I made a vow.
You made that promise. You made that vow. And you broke them ..... you did not treasure me, nor cherish me. You did not stick it out through thick and thin, for richer or poorer. You walked away ..... and how my heart hurts for that abandonment.
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