A turning point or moment ...

I think in life we have many turning points or crucial moments. There are the moments in which the decisions we make affect the nature and direction of our lives. These are the moments which determine future action.

I do think a lot, perhaps too much. Often times I think before I act, but I seldom think before I say because I speak as I think. However, this thinking before I act thing, gets in the way sometimes. Because I am thinking. However, once I have decided, firmly and actually decided, then there is no turning back from the decision. I have considered as much as I could, I analysed as much as I could, and there I made the decision to the best of my knowledge.

It was a few nights ago that I recieved this turning point with D. We had had a couple of conversations which were long and depthful in that kind of heavy way. Various comments were bandied about but most of all I tried to explain to him that we werent the same kind of people - we didnt do things the same way.

Prime example, he's interested and wants to spend time to see how things go. Me? I just think, uh what's the point if we're not going to be compatible? And so we meet in a deadlock with me not really wanting to see him (Because what's the point) and him not knowing what we'll be like together because he cant see me.

We have similar goals ... just different ways of approaching it. Which confuses us both. It's not too bad as long as you remember that you are 2 very different people and brain patterns and thought processess dont necessarily work in that way.

We were having a conversation. I said "Well you're not in love with me. That's a fact." His answer was, how could he be? We'd hardly spent any time together. And that when I said things like that, it put pressure on him. I dont understand why it would. It's a fact that he is not in love with me. He's in desire perhaps, he wants what I can give him that he cannot get from anyone else (kink), but he only wants it from me ... and he likes my company sure enough. He's gone as far as to say that his life in Sydney is better when I am there. But he's not in love with me. That is a true acknowledged fact. So why would he get upset and feel pressured when I say it? It is merely a fact.

At any rate, the turning point came ... I ... relented in my own heart. I asked for him. It was late and impractical. By the majority of logical reasoning. In a way, I needed him. When I was refused, I shut it off and was reminded of the times I was rejected and turned down perhaps, and then said fine it's ok. That night, if he had eventually not come around, I think my sense of hope for this that it might even work for a little while would be completly out the window.

As it is I'm not very convinced anyway. He wants to see me to see if it'll work out. I dont think it'll really work out, so why see each other? Lol. Conumdrum. But for the moment, I relent and will see him from time to time when it suits me. It will satisfy his requirements to see me and I will be exploring something different/new.

But we're not in love. And so ... it's a kind of slow plodding? Something like that.

Is it meant to be like that? Or is it meant to be love at first sight?

Actually I dont know but love at first sight is kind of perilous.

At any rate, I had to explain about the moment, and the turning point. Fortunately he came around to my thinking. Otherwise I wouldnt even have seen him yesterday. Or even be contemplating to see him later this week.

This experience is all very intellectually interesting ......