Isabelle's Diary

Visualising my future

2008-02-17T14:49:00.002-05:00

I think there is something to be said for visualisation. For making a mental image and then setting out to make that mental image real.

Now that things are settling in terms of career and work, I can have a chance to better visualise the career and future I want to have for myself in that regard. With that comes what kind of home I want to live in ... what it looks like ... Though maybe I'm still working on where it exists. *chuckle* Which affects the form it takes, but at least perhaps I can get a feeling for it.

This idea was highlighted to me by my friend C. She said that it might be useful to visualise the person that I want to be with. Yes an ideal perhaps. A body type, a personality type and so on. And then when you see/find them, you'll know what to do.

I'm going to have to think about that a little more. I mean the infatuation has passed but there was a reason for it. Some deep instinctual reason perhaps. We'll see ... *smile*

More later ....

Valentine's Day and Tears

2008-02-14T02:32:00.002-05:00

You know I didnt start crying or feel emotional because it was Valentine's Day. I cried because it is 3 more weeks and I will be a real Dr. And after all these many years and all the struggles and heartbreaks and pains and losses and suffering and EVERYTHING .... 3 more weeks. I never thought I'd see this day. And to hear people say that I would make a great doctor ... just hurts my heart. Maybe because he didnt ... didnt believe it and hated that I did it and that I valued doing it. And I almost lost both things ... but I only lost 1 thing - which was the marriage. And here I am and I havent lost this.

Somehow I have made it, somehow I have walked far enough and long enough ... taken enough steps forward that I am here.

Somehow I made it.

It's nice when people care enough to listen to what you have to say

2008-02-12T09:23:00.001-05:00

It's nice when people value what you have to say.

When they give it weight and meaning and purpose.

It's nice.

I think sometimes the worst thing in life can be when people dont care ... when they behave negatively.

I had a nice evening today just getting to know these new people. They dont know anything about my life either. But it is nice to be invited along to these social events. I never thought I could afford to be social on week days but since I dont have exams anymore ... I can be. Dont know if I like it or ... well ... one must make an effort.

The worst thing is to never have tried.

Must keep trying.

Where else is there to move but forward?

Hopefully passing

2008-02-12T09:09:00.000-05:00

Well yes hopefully this infatuation is passing. I think he's really interested in someone else.

It's good to be able to sit down and think about things. Writing them down does help clear my thoughts.

Right now I'm thinking about relationships ... how they make life meaningful. And would it be possible to have that kind of some one in my life again. Would I do it differently? Probably, if only to avoid past mistakes. But was it really anything a mistake on my part? Perhaps some components of the mistakes were on his part?

Either way, it is not something that can be quantified and analysed and settled. Such is life and such it is. Some things have no answers.

Ah ... it is not that I value my career more than my relationships. It is that ... perhaps relationships have disappointed me ... well those sort of relationships. And in some ways, the career stuff is something more concrete.

No material objects mean nothing if they have no meaning. Life's experiences are nothing that we can share if we do not have someone to share it with. And yet .... where would be find that someone or those people who share in our joys who dance with our hearts full of joy ... who understanding that life is worth to be living .... and to revel in it.

Where shall I find him? Maybe somewhere out there on the ocean front ... where the waves rush into the beach. Maybe somewhere ... where it is silence and quiet and there is no sound but the wind and the waves. Somewhere nowhere .... Who knows. I wish I had an answer. I wish I had certainty.

A slight infatuation

2008-02-11T07:14:00.000-05:00

About 2 weeks ago, I met a few new people and one of them was a guy called Q. Now at first I really didnt see anything that interesting about Q, and especially since he seemed more interested in Z than in me. *chuckle* No surprise since I was having more fun dancing with B (he's getting married in 1 month) so nothing's going to happen there. *chuckle* But B has a great personality - funny and such. We have some great synergy together.

Now late last week, I saw Q again. He was dressed just as smartly but this time wearing his glasses. And for some reason, that whole look of dark blue jeans, dark blue collared shirt and the glasses made me sorta go "Oh!". Granted the man was very nice and he often smiled back at me and looked me right in the eye as if he had nothing to hide, was wonderful. I think he has blue eyes and reddish blonde hair. It felt perfectly comfortable sitting beside him at dinner and standing near him. The right height perhaps? Oh well ... the thing is, now I've been slightly more infatuated since late last week. Hope it passes *chuckle* before I make a fool of myself by sheer accident.

While it is of a low probability that a guy that like would be interested in me ... or well perhaps I dont really know what he is or isnt interested in ... anyway ... guys like that ... well ... I was about to say that I've never attracted guys like that before. But hey who knows ... maybe my luck will change. Maybe since I was with someone all those years, there was no way for a guy like that to even like me. *chuckle*

But I've been entertaining day dreams of being loved like I ought to be. Like I deserve. I smile to myself when those thoughts come to me. I think, yes, it would be nice to have someone to care for and to care for me. Someone to build a life with that I am still dreaming of having. It would be nice to find that right person ... or for that right person to find me more precisely! Someone to be proud of my accomplishments and to support me in the things that I do. I would of course be supportive of their goals and dreams too. That kind of mutual partnership with the knowledge that we were both lucky to have found one another and thus to treasure one another rather than to take it all for granted.

Yes I'd like that chance again. I like having this feeling of hope that it could be. I'm telling myself pointedly that it wont be Q cos I'm just momentarily infatuated and he's well ... probably interested in someone else. At any rate, we've only met twice and ... it's not like he knows anything about me much really. Still we'll see ... there might be someone out there after all.

Someone who will love me for me. For all my goodnesses and kindness of heart. For all my lack of wearing make up and being practical. For all those things and whatever ... for my imprefections and my faults .... Maybe ... one day. Some day. Who knows.

Read in Cosmopolitan - 3 Trial "One Night Stands"

2008-02-11T06:16:00.000-05:00

It was an interesting article that talked about how where before the one night stand was just a clumsy attempt to explore intimacy between 2 completely separate people, now it could be considered a way to "trial" men to see if they were any good.

What a brilliant concept!

I'd slept with D on the first date, because in my mind, I wanted to assess if he was going to be any good. Or if it was just going to be a waste of time. After the years I spent, I wasnt going to be with someone who was totally disinterested in sex or that it was going to be boring out of my brain.

Actually I wasnt that impressed and only consented to sleep with him once or twice more before I said, "Uh sorry I dont think this will work. I dont want to sleep with you anymore." To which he said things like "but you already did." and "you're just denying me."

The fact was, he hadnt earned the right to sleep with me anymore. I'd given him a trial in terms of the relationship and the sex and it didnt work out. Funnily enough I should have stuck with my guns those 3 months ago *chuckle* Just because I slept with you a couple of times to see if you were any good, doesnt mean I'm going to keep sleeping with you. Uh it is not good? Lol.

Anyway, so this article that I read in Cosmo today gave me words for a concept that I had already been working on. Women are able to assess within a few minutes really if someone would be suitable ... and you know, I think there's something to be said for that instant attraction. After all, if there was a little spark to start with, then there may be more to it?

Addit : Almost forgot to mention. The article also said that women who sleep with the same man after a while develop a chemical connection and then it becomes more difficult to break it off. Ah hah! That makes sense ....

Itzhak Perlman - Could there be a greater virtuoso?

2008-02-10T06:33:00.000-05:00

at 13

Chopin Nocturne in C#minor

Bazzini

Bach's Chaconne for Solo Violin / Itzhak Perlman (Part 1/2)

Joshua Bell

2008-02-09T06:26:00.002-05:00

I have discovered the amazing Joshua Bell.

The Girl with the Flaxen Hair link

Liebesleid and Liebesfreud

Beethoven 1/5, 2/5, 3/5, 4/5 and 5/5.

Ave Maria

turning points

2008-02-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

Yeap another turning point. Fantasticulabulous!

I love when things highlight other things and make you think / realise.

I have been talking to QK lately now that we're back in communication. It's great. He ... appreciates me for who and what I am. That I am a little crazy, that I am a little chatty and so on. He thinks i'm funny and laughs at the things I say.

I realised this was such a massive difference to D. Who was so self absorbed that he didnt ... engage almost. Even now he's still wrapped up in his own world. Concerned with all things that are related to him. In fact one thing that has upset me most, is that even though he religiously reads the newspapers online etc ... when there was a massive explosion at my building, causing us to evacuate and to be in the 1st link of the online version of the newspaper for the whole day ... he didnt see it? The specific name of the apartment I live in was mentioned! And you know ... I think he is also just using the excuse of being honest and upfront as an excuse precisely to get what he wants in a non-manipulative kind of way and then also to get out. What irritates me is that he was the one who was so keen to start with, as I mentioned earlier .... and then he is so keen to back out. *rolls my eyes* oh well ... multiple turning points and I will cease communication with him. Wishing him happy chinese new year was just a bad idea. Should have just kept non-comminicado and not bothered to wish him at all or to try this 'being' friends thing.

So QK has in some ways allowed me to re-view myself in the light I was familiar with. He doesnt spend all his time questioning me, arguing with me or misunderstanding me. Oh what a relief. I'd forgotten how smooth/nice it can get.

Talk about low impact

2008-02-01T01:31:00.000-05:00

Ok I was sad about not speaking to D quite a bit for 1 day after, and the 2nd day after too I was a little sorry etc.

I realise that the impact/difference he made to my life was very very little. I really didnt notice that I wasnt talking to him at all. It's like we were 2 persons who walked past each other and stopped to talk by the side of a busy street.

I was dressed to the nines last night. I think I wanted him to see me, rather than so much I wanted to see him. Either way, it didnt happened. I did call him but he was too tired. As usual. *shrugs shoulders* Turned out for the best since I spent the night dancing with some new friends from the drinks party *chuckle* What's funny is that I think it's done now. If I never speak to him again, I wont miss him at all.

I'm odd like that. I know that when I let go, I usually need a while, and then one more encounter and then depending on how that encounter goes - then it's over for good. And that person is out of my mind/contact.

Like with N ... When I broke up with him, some time later I wrote an email to him. His reply was too insubstantial. So later when he wrote to me on my birthday, I just wasnt inclined to reply anyway. What for? For more insubstantial replies?

However, I dont know with D. I dont know that I want to waste time keeping him as a friend. He's not a friend who gives as much as a friend who takes. Q herself is also shallow-ish in a deep way. It's hard to describe. Anyway .. who knows and who cares.

What I have today ...

2008-01-29T03:02:00.001-05:00

Today is a day I could use a place to rest.

I am heart ached to know where and when someone who will love me for me will come into my life.

I am heartached to let people who I care for go. for their own sakes. not even for mine.

I am sad that sometimes there are those who I care about so deeply for ... do not care back in the same way.

and I have tears

and I have sorrow today.

A goodbye poem for D

2008-01-28T05:50:00.000-05:00

I always write when I'm feeling emotions. And this time is no different. I've grown to enjoy his company and I will miss it. I'll miss the sex too. Sigh. Maybe he didn't and doesn't feel anything, but I do. I have to feel something otherwise I couldn't have slept with him.

At least he never lied to me or as far as I know, to himself. For that I am appreciative and grateful.

So the poem.

Shall I miss thee as the morning sun rises,
Its eminience a warmth in the sky.
I release you from my wintry sigh.
Away to freedom, now you can fly.

To seek the joys of dreams unmet
Looking for that one soul of kismet.
In truth, no one can read the stars.
Only our heart can guide us so far.

In journeys we have yet to make
Perhaps without too many mistakes.
We might find what we think we seek
Though we know not, our heart is meek.

No answer shall be clear as day
For the night is what clouds our minds.
Sorrow I do not keep.
I release it to the sands of time.

Good luck, good morrow.
Good journey, good day.
Know that I have loved you,
And for that love, I let you slip away.

Trust

2008-01-16T09:38:00.001-05:00

I realised recently that I fundamentally can no longer trust people within relationships.

I cannot trust their words, their actions or their promises. I do not accept/believe in their apologies either.

And I shut down my emotions quicker than a match can be lit. This happens when I am rejected about something, when I have genuinely tried to explain something or other things.

K asked me once, "Why is it I cant even make any mistakes?" This was in reference to saying he would come up to visit me, promising, and then the next day saying "oh oops I have some bills." It is not because he made mistakes, but it was the type and number of mistakes that he made that caused me to be no longer able to trust him. In our final conversation, I said that there is nothing more for me to say. And that was the goodbye. I hope his kid, K, is ok. His Dad tends to leave him at home alone for 48 hrs at a time. But I've discussed the various complexities of this with someone qualified, and I dont have to make a report.

Also, when I was emotionally attached to Cb, and he failed to keep his promises to me ... I just walked away.

Anyway, so when D tries to tell me this or that ... when I am hurt, I shut down, I push him away and I walk away. It is reflex now.

Today the childn protection lady talked about how the babies who are neglected are often mistaken for quiet babies. They simply lay there without crying. When babies cry, they have hope that someone will come. When after many times, no one comes, then they no longer cry.

It is like that. In the past, I would ask, I would beg, etc etc ... and nothing. And so I no longer ask, beg or anything. I no longer wish to do that. There is no hope about things. What would be the point?

I am grateful that I am one person who has probably great insight and ability to have insight to themselves. I am often reflecting and contemplating things.

So it seems I am like a baby without hope that anyone will come when you call. It seems that my emotional life is not something that I can make better. Such hopelessness about things. Sigh.

A turning point or moment ...

2008-01-15T09:20:00.000-05:00

I think in life we have many turning points or crucial moments. There are the moments in which the decisions we make affect the nature and direction of our lives. These are the moments which determine future action.

I do think a lot, perhaps too much. Often times I think before I act, but I seldom think before I say because I speak as I think. However, this thinking before I act thing, gets in the way sometimes. Because I am thinking. However, once I have decided, firmly and actually decided, then there is no turning back from the decision. I have considered as much as I could, I analysed as much as I could, and there I made the decision to the best of my knowledge.

It was a few nights ago that I recieved this turning point with D. We had had a couple of conversations which were long and depthful in that kind of heavy way. Various comments were bandied about but most of all I tried to explain to him that we werent the same kind of people - we didnt do things the same way.

Prime example, he's interested and wants to spend time to see how things go. Me? I just think, uh what's the point if we're not going to be compatible? And so we meet in a deadlock with me not really wanting to see him (Because what's the point) and him not knowing what we'll be like together because he cant see me.

We have similar goals ... just different ways of approaching it. Which confuses us both. It's not too bad as long as you remember that you are 2 very different people and brain patterns and thought processess dont necessarily work in that way.

We were having a conversation. I said "Well you're not in love with me. That's a fact." His answer was, how could he be? We'd hardly spent any time together. And that when I said things like that, it put pressure on him. I dont understand why it would. It's a fact that he is not in love with me. He's in desire perhaps, he wants what I can give him that he cannot get from anyone else (kink), but he only wants it from me ... and he likes my company sure enough. He's gone as far as to say that his life in Sydney is better when I am there. But he's not in love with me. That is a true acknowledged fact. So why would he get upset and feel pressured when I say it? It is merely a fact.

At any rate, the turning point came ... I ... relented in my own heart. I asked for him. It was late and impractical. By the majority of logical reasoning. In a way, I needed him. When I was refused, I shut it off and was reminded of the times I was rejected and turned down perhaps, and then said fine it's ok. That night, if he had eventually not come around, I think my sense of hope for this that it might even work for a little while would be completly out the window.

As it is I'm not very convinced anyway. He wants to see me to see if it'll work out. I dont think it'll really work out, so why see each other? Lol. Conumdrum. But for the moment, I relent and will see him from time to time when it suits me. It will satisfy his requirements to see me and I will be exploring something different/new.

But we're not in love. And so ... it's a kind of slow plodding? Something like that.

Is it meant to be like that? Or is it meant to be love at first sight?

Actually I dont know but love at first sight is kind of perilous.

At any rate, I had to explain about the moment, and the turning point. Fortunately he came around to my thinking. Otherwise I wouldnt even have seen him yesterday. Or even be contemplating to see him later this week.

This experience is all very intellectually interesting ......

Where should your Inner New Yorker live?

2008-01-11T01:33:00.000-05:00

You Belong in Soho

Although you may not be a professional artist, you do dabble in one form of art or another.
And you indie culture of all kinds - from little boutiques to art house films.

Where Should Your Inner New Yorker Live?

How much sex appeal do you have?

2008-01-11T01:18:00.000-05:00

You Are 93% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: Off the Charts!

Let's face it... you're one of the sexiest people around. And you don't let anyone forget it.
You're crazy hot, and you deliver on what you promise. You are definitely one wild ride.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

Visiting Church

2008-01-08T09:11:00.000-05:00

I would not say that by nature I adhere well to any form of organised religion. I prefer one that allows me to retain my own opinions about the world and about life. I do not need to have a set of rules to constantly guide my life. I know what is the right thing to do and I should do it because it is what needs to be done.

So while I was grown in a convent school and we were taught that the Chapel was a place of solace, of connection with God, of where we could find comfort ... I very much dont always agree with the doctrination of the Catholic Church. Not to say I have done much reasearch or detailed analysis of it, but of what I have read ... *sigh* well ....

But I did visit Church today. Just entered into the hallowed renovated grounds. Lit an electric candle before Mother Mary. I sat and prayed, tears in my eyes, pain in my heart. It was such sorrow I had felt I had to bear. In that moment, I asked God to help me with patience, to help me with this sorrow. I said I gave my heart over to Him ... who else could I trust with it after all? And it is so broken, who would want it? At any rate, it was the first time I realised how it is possible people devote their life to God. For me, it was a means of escape and exit from the real world, if I give it up then I no longer have to think about it.

It was almost like I made a vow that day. But not quite. I will need to think on this a little more.

Learning to play the violin

2008-01-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

I decided I needed an instrument. My piano was still in storage and I wasn't (in the near future) going to get a chance to take it out. So I decided to take violin lessons.

I had a Russian teacher, M. She's really lovely and we are close in our age. I like the fact that she's strict without being critical. Firm without being tempermental. She has a passion for teaching which I admire and I want to be a better student.

2 weeks later, there has been some improvement. The violin sounds less like a wailing cat and my arms and shoulders don't hurt/ache as much. Well you're not supposed to be playing with your shoulders.

Fingers curved like a cat's paw. Right wrist to make a mountain while holding the bow - and to feel the fingers. Shoulders down, play the violin like Buddha!

M said I thought too hard about it. Hence the tension earlier in my playing. There's still tension because I'm trying hard to get it right. But she's teaching me, that perhaps if I think less, doubt myself less ... the goal will be easier to accomplish.

Christmas ...

2007-12-26T13:22:00.000-05:00

Christmas this year was very different from Christmas last year. In fact, it was during this year that I regained my self and my independence. I have much to be grateful for this year. I completed my medical degree and I learned to step slowly away from the pain of losing my husband. I think the pain is not as sharp as it used to be, neither is it that kind of dull heart ache I was so used to while I was married .... but still it is sorrowful.

Why do some work it out? Some end up going separate ways? What is the answer? Perhaps there is none. Perhaps it is as much Fate as is meeting someone.

I tell my heart over and over again to hold it closed against the rest of the world. No one else shall ever venture within to know or to come close enough to hurt. Not unless they can win my trust first. And that is hard to do as it is.

Ah the best is if I dont desire to be loved ... I will train my heart. Like I have trained it. I will break it before I let anyone else break it. I will work hard and forget the rest. If I fill my time with things, I cannot have time to dwell of what is not meant to be mine.

Dreams ...

2007-12-20T12:48:00.000-05:00

I dont want to dream of you. I dont want to dream that you will come back to me and love me like you used to do all those years ago. But here this night, with 3 nights in a row, I dreamed of you. The first night, the dream was so vivid that I woke in tears in a darkened room. I lived a different life now than the life I had with you, but not everything that we shared was gone. It was a 10 year relationship.

Whenever something like this happens, I remember a conversation we had. I was ranting with anger at you for giving up. You said ... "I thought after 4 months you'd have gotten over it."

4 months is not enough to get over a 10 year relationship. 1 year from that first measure of time, I am now more settled about it. But I loved you deeply and greatly. I sacrificed so much for our relationship, to be with you .... How could I so easily let it all go? 4 months? Did you get over me in 4 months?? Did my time with you mean so little?

Oh I know I have a chance to have a better life without you in it now. You are not there to keep me from studying, from achieving my goals and dreams. You are not there to hurt me. You are not there to say hurtful things to me and to bring my confidence down. You are not there to make my heart ache with sorrow. You are not there to make me be the only one to keep our home clean and to cook for you everyday because you do not cook. You can hardly even wash your own clothes. Sigh. I had to do it all. And struggle. And I had no love or reward for it all.

And then you left.

How am I supposed to get over that so easily or quickly? My life was entwined with yours. Engrained. I accepted your family as my own. I treated your brother and sister like my own siblings. I gave care to your parents in the same way that I gave care to your parents. It is fortunate they have both passed on. They would be sorrowful to know what has become of us. I know they liked me a great deal. I was lucky to have them as in-laws. I still cant believe that you said that their death did not affect you at all. And when you shut me out again and again ... what more could I do. I had hardly enough strength for myself anymore.

I dont want to dream of you please. I dont want to dream these secret hopes that you had never left - even though I was sad - and I dont want to dream that you came back and apologised and promised that you wanted to try again and spoke to me with tenderness and treated me so.

I dont want to cry any more tears over you. I loved you. I was your wife. I made a promise. I made a vow.

You made that promise. You made that vow. And you broke them ..... you did not treasure me, nor cherish me. You did not stick it out through thick and thin, for richer or poorer. You walked away ..... and how my heart hurts for that abandonment.

Waxed eyebrows guy

2007-12-17T19:24:00.000-05:00

While talking with my friend B, she said that some friends of her social circle never remembered the names of who was being dated in the social circle. Guys just had nicknames .. and D ... just became "waxed eyebrows guy". Ok I cant help it really. The guy waxes his eyebrows from above! He says it's to prevent "mono brow" but really ... Ugh.

There's nothing wrong with waxing one's eyebrows. My beautician refines my already beautiful lines with a little wax and a little wrist movement. However, as every girl who reads those glossy magazines knows ... you ONLY wax from below the eyebrow in the space between eye and eyebrow. That way your eyes are "opened up" instead of looking like you are constantly scowling from the forehead.

So ... D is now "waxed eyebrows guy". And I must admit that other than his waxed eyebrows which dont really impress me, is also the fact that he uses tinted moisturiser of some sort which completely smudges on my glasses when he tries to kiss me. So really that turns me off kissing as well. I hate getting my sight smudged by someone else's make up! (I dont even wear that much make up!) And since he's explained he's not the hand holding or public display of affection sort .... that really doesnt leave very much that attracts me to him at all! Lol.

I've had a chance to talk with my friend B about various things relating to D while listening to her own situation with N.

And really ... what is there between me and D? Not much.

I dont desire him physically. He doesnt have a body that I like .... I'm not attracted to the way he moves or the way he whines with his voice. I dont find it appealing to be kissed by someone who smudges my glasses with their tinted moisturiser and who cant build a little intimacy by holding hands! He's always putting stuff in his hair ... and I like touching. I'm a tactile person. A lot of things about him are like "too thin" ... Eyebrows waxed too thin, face, arms and legs too thin. Torso and shoulder with too thin nothing to rest my head on. Too "thin" a voice which grates on my nerves additionally when he whines. Ugh.

I think the other thing is he is not more than me. At least, if he is more than what I am ... I havent seen it yet. And I think that last thing that I want is someone who is less than me. It's really not that helpful to have to have someone who you have to take care of all the time. Or rather, to have someone who cant take care of you too.

Current dating ...

2007-12-15T19:16:00.000-05:00

So in the last 9 months I've tried dating. Since I was with my ex-husband from age 19, I didnt really get to practice and go through the mistakes one can make while dating.

In about April/May this year, I was kinda seeing a guy called K. I figured I was doing ok since he was 2 years older than me but apparently (as it turned out) he came with much more baggage than I was prepared to deal with. He had gotten a girl pregnant at age 19 and had a son who is now 14. On top of that, he married and divorced another woman along the way and had an 8 year old daughter. Ok this was kinda complicated. But wait, there's more .... he's not very good with his money, doesn't plan much ahead and is carrying so much stuff from his past it's not funny. I wont go further into the details. Let's say that he was a fair waste of time for 2 months but at least I learned some stuff about myself and now I know better what else I'm not willing to deal with or what would not make me happy.

Then I was really fed up with this kind of crap. So I didnt bother to try anything. I had a lovely single lull and got really used to being by myself. It was great. I fully appreciated being my own person and enjoying it.

Now i'd been vaguely corresponding with some guy for a while and about 2 months ago we talked on the phone and he asked me out for a drink. Things were going along ok ... except that he really wasnt over his ex-relationship during which the girl had dumped him about a year ago. I was like OK ... time to step back. Sure this guy had brains and we had plenty to talk about intellectually .. but once you got to emotions and stuff ... bam ... it was like argument central. And this was like at a few weeks. So I took some more steps back ... I didnt ring or talk to him via the phone. Avoided talking to him via the MSN also. Maybe some text message here and there. He definitely had some stuff he had to work out. And I really didnt need to be the emotional baggage clearance lady.

I remember what was most interesting was that I really wasnt that "into" this guy. He really didnt turn me on in any way and I certainly wasnt infatuated with him. He wanted to do some kinky stuff and all ... which was tricky because it's hard work to Top someone. Later on when I said "ok I dont want to talk anymore. whatever this is, I'm breaking it up." He was all sorry and apologetic and stuff because he'd worked out that he wanted to date me and wanted to make this work. By that time I was already over the whole idea ... I was like whatever.

Since that day he has started to make some amends and some changes. When I spent some time with him about a month after I had last seen him, things were a little smoother between us - interaction wise. And he was trying to be nice. At least he was no longer offended when I said that I didnt really have orgasmic sex with him. Lol. He had the opposite impression. Well of course, that's cos I was doing the Topping - that's work, not enjoyment for me. I mean I do enjoy it, I do get a certain pleasure out of it ... but no orgasms - even if his mouth was down there for 30min.

Anyway I dont know about D. He's problematic and high mantainence. Always taking things into his own self-centered point of view. And luckily for me I'm not in love with him or anything, to cause my judgement to be mistaken.

What kind of soul are you?

2007-12-14T12:01:00.000-05:00

Ah cant you tell I'm still going through my online quiz phase?

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.
Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.
No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.

You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.
Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.
You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

What Is Your Life Path Number?

2007-12-12T12:10:00.001-05:00

Your Life Path Number is 7

Your purpose in life is to find truth and meaning

You are very spiritual, and you are interested in the mysteries of life.
You are quite analytical and a great thinker. You have many theories and insights.
A life of solitude is perfect for you. You need time to think and do things your way.

In love, you are quite charming. You attract many with your confidence and wit.

While you enjoy being alone, sometimes you take it to an extreme.
You can become too isolated, shutting out loved ones and friends.
Express yourself a little bit more, and you'll be surprised where it takes you!

What Is Your Life Path Number?

What Carnival Ride Are You?

2007-12-12T12:04:00.000-05:00

You Are a Log Ride

You prefer to live a fairly calm, relaxed life... with a few surprises thrown in.
You don't tend to get yourself worked up easily. You can roll with what life throws at you.
In relationships, you are steady and solid. You maintain a pretty broad perspective on what's going on.
That's not to say you can't get swept away. You're emotions run as deep as anyone else's.

Your life seems like it has been remarkably easy so far. But that's due to how you manage it.
You never stretch yourself too thinly, and you think out your decisions carefully.
Taking the time to enjoy each day is important to you, and you don't let your emotions rule you.
You stay the course and do what's right... knowing it will all work out in the end.

At your best, you are tolerant and understanding of other people's quirks.
You take "go with the flow" to the extreme. Even if you don't like where you're going.
At your worst, you repress your feelings and end up being a little tightly wound.
You definitely have some explosive emotions that occasionally come to the surface!

What Carnival Ride Are You?

Chinese Horoscope - Snake Part 4 (2008)

2007-12-12T11:50:00.000-05:00

For the year ahead, there was a bunch of stuff in Lillian Too's book that I saw. However, instead of purchasing the glossy covered A5 sized book, I decided I'd look on the internet.

There was ProAstro.com's forecast ...

This year, the Snake don’t have to work hard as you would get help from others. There shouldn’t’ be any unexpected complication happening to your personal or occupational life.

Famous Snake:
David Radcliffe, Stephen Hawking, Gong Li, Muhammad Alim Ann-Margret, Yasser Arafat, Lord Baden-Powell, Kim Basinger, Bjork, Tony Blair, Heinrich Boll, Brahm, Pierce Brosnan, Casanova, Chubby Checker, Dick Cheney, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Bob Dylan, Sir Edward Elgar, Sir Alexander Fleming, Henry Fonda, Mahatma Gandhi

Your reading:
The Snake would have an ordinary year with stable luck, i.e. without any conflict or any union shown in the constellation chart. There shouldn’t’ be any unexpected complication happening to your personal or occupational life. It’s not your year of relationship either, so that there shouldn’t be any change to your love life. All in all, your own personal attributes would be more crucial than your zodiac to determine your luck this year. Yet, in the firs six months of 2008, you are still under the influence from last year. Thus, there are still many gossips against you and there might be some changes.

This year, the Snake don’t have to work hard as you would get help from others, it’s more beneficial to those born in summer and spring who would see their luck getting even better. You would get help fro others no matter what you do. For instance, wage-earners would have a boss who takes you under his/her wings. Those self-employed or entrepreneurs would meet some quality clients who make many useful referrals. Thus, you don’t have to work very hard to have excellent performance. On the other hand, those born in winter and spring should be more cautious. Your laid-back attitude at work might put you on the lay-off list. The economic upturn in recent years might mean lower unemployment. But you should still be alert and work harder. As long as you appear useful to the company, your employer wouldn’t fire you yet. Those self-employed should just work hard without expecting any return. You are entitled to half of what you deserve this year.

In terms of lucky stars, you have Yue De in your constellation. It is a star that beings you help from powerful people whenever you have any trouble. Even if you are engaged in an accident, you can walk out of the vicinity safely.

But Master Rao had more to say on the matter.

1. General Situation
The Snake can expect some conjugal or family difficulties, just as many other people who'll go through this year. But, instead of taking the bull by the horns, that is, of trying to solve his/her problems with lucidity and aggressiveness, he/she may prefer burying his/her head in the sand - probably because his/her sign is also a winged creature like the ostrich!

But nobody can solve his problems by fleeing or by pretending that they don't exist. All is a question of courage. "It's not because things are difficult that we dare not, it's because we dare not that things are difficult" (Seneca). Even though no solution whatsoever can be found, an optimistic, philosophical attitude could soften the cutting edge of problems.

2. Love

First trimester - The stars will greatly favor your love life. Therefore, you'll be very much involved in the affairs of your heart. Your professional activities will run the risk of being relegated to the background, especially during the first two months, a period when you'll experience the greatest sentimental joys. All this can do no harm so long as you can preserve a certain equilibrium between the different sectors of your life. You'll aspire to total harmony in your relationships with your mate. But this is an objective toward which you can direct your efforts, not the one to be reached absolutely. Be wise enough to recognize what is inaccessible and to do only what can be done

Second trimester - You'll be subject to hesitations. You'll be torn between the desire to preserve the status quo and the need to change things in the sentimental field. Some of you, for fear of possible problems, will wonder if they had not better contain their outbursts and refuse to live a great passion. Other natives of this sign will seriously consider having a new baby.

Third trimester - Your life as a couple will come to the fore of your preoccupations. The ball will rather be in your mate's court; but as he (she) has esteem and admiration for you, things will be settled graciously. Couples married a long time ago will reinforce their mutual trust. If you're still free, you'll refuse to deny yourself the pleasures of a new love affair.

Fourth trimester - If you're living as a couple, your relationships with your mate will not be the most peaceful ones. There may even be a severe hitch by the middle of this period. Beware, don't choose to close your eyes and pretend that everything is well. Be courageous enough to remove the cancer, to discuss frankly but calmly what goes wrong and what opposes you to your mate. And you'll realize that the most thorny problems are often only the results of long-lasting misunderstandings. If you're single, you'll look too much forward to playing with hearts. Beware, don't try to make jealous the person you're loving - you'll certainly not win at that game and will perhaps lose. Be yourself, and do not spend more money for love than you can afford to.

3. Career

First trimester - The presence of the stars Thai Duong and Hong Loan in your career sector should as a rule help you succeed in your professional life. But not everything will be easy. Inasmuch as you'll have the desire to succeed and enjoy a good dose of luck, you'll have to fight so as to assert yourself. Another difficulty: The impact of the star Thieu Duong will incite you to be too demanding and to look for impossible perfection. Water down your wine a bit, otherwise you won't have any wine at all!

Second trimester - Your professional life should cause you no problem whatsoever since no notable star will influence the career sectors of your natal chart. But a planetary cocktail will give you the desire to look for expansion, to hold more important responsibilities and, above all, to decide on a direction which will better correspond to your wishes. It's you who will take the initiative and steps toward progress. Do not precipitate anything for time will be playing in your favor.

Third trimester - The possibilities of evolution in your career are very important. Everything can evolve and evolve quickly. The star Cu Mon in this aspect will give you the desire to control everything and instill you a great need of stability. Nevertheless, it's not by adopting a rigid comportment, which was perhaps adequate lately but which is no longer valid now, that you can do well. Therefore you'll have no choice: You must find the way to innovate on solid bases, to adapt yourself all the while preserving your attainments. This will demand vigilance and efforts from you, but you can make it.

Fourth trimester - In work, your ambition will waken up and you'll have much less trouble attaining your objectives than lately. You'll try everything to make your desires coincide with reality. In some cases, it's life itself that will do it for you by offering you very favorable opportunities. The situation will evolve in the good direction, and you'll be very much appreciated.

4. Health

First trimester - With the gentle star Tu Vi installed in one of your health sectors, you'll have nothing to fear. If you've come through a delicate period, Tu Vi will help you to recover good health quickly. If you suffer from a chronic disease, this beneficent planet should permit you to improve; you'll doubtlessly find a better treatment. As for other natives of the sign, the period will be eventless on the physical plane. The only point to watch over: Some digestive difficulty.

Second trimester - Don't abuse your vital reserves. Indeed, it's these days that the influence of one of the year's most delicate celestial configurations will be felt, this configuration being the Opposition between the stars Tham Lang and Tang Mon. It can temporarily weaken you physically. Don't have fears: You'll have no serious disease or accident to be afraid of. But simply, your resistance to fatigue will undoubtedly be somewhat lessened; you should therefore try to manage your daily life well so as to avoid an overload of work or activities.

Third trimester - Your health sector will these days host Thai Duong, a star of vitality, which should endow you with good physical balance. Moreover, Tu Vi will also enter this same zone of your natal chart. This planet of chance and well-being will have a direct impact on your health. If you suffer from a long or chronic disease, Tu Vi can help you to recover completely or find a better suited treatment.

Fourth trimester - No star will directly affect the health sectors of your natal chart. Thus your physical resistance should be sufficiently good. If you're in good shape, your dynamism and your immune system will be unfailing. If you suffer from a chronic disease, this period should allow an improvement; perhaps you'll have to keep to a treatment which demands some efforts, but it will be in your interest to try it for it's in this way that you'll get positive results.

5. Finances

First trimester - The sectors of your chart related to money host no planet during this period. Your financial balance should therefore undergo no change. Those of you who lately had to worry about choices made on fluctuating bases can this time have a clearer view of the situation and make good decisions.

Second trimester - Only one star will have an impact on your pecuniary situation during this period: Dao Hoa. It's a positive star who not only favors sentiments but also brings chance and protection in all domains. You should therefore have the right to an easy period as far as your finances are concerned. But beware, don't have too high hopes! This star does not have a very important influence on this matter, and you should not count on him to win the first prize of the Lotto or to be sheltered from difficulties if you indulge in costly spendings.

Third trimester - On one side, the impact of the star Tham Lang will incite you to reorganize the management of your finances, which is a rather positive thing. But on the other side, under the influence of the badly aspected star Pha Quan, you may make a bad choice by excessive optimism or, on the contrary, miss good opportunities because you will hesitate too long before reacting. The only one solution: To seek the advice of competent persons.

Fourth trimester - Your financial sectors will be occupied by beneficent planets, such as Thien Phuc and Dieu Khach, who will increase your gains. But also by some rather disquieting stars, such as Cu Mon, who could make a spendthrift of you! However, your fate will ultimately rest in your hands: If you act prudently and avoid too chancy placements as well as futile expenses, you should be able to increase your capital. In the contrary case...

6. Your Sign Adds ..

Fire Snake - Your great force this year? You'll succeed in finding a good dosage between inconsiderate risks and excessive prudence. That's what will permit you to achieve a superb professional ascension. This will also be a favorable period for those who wish to install their own business. In love, you'll know how to give your mate brilliant proofs of affection.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

2007-12-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

Here's another interesting outcome ...
(As you can see I'm going through an internet questionnaire phase!)

You've Changed 72% in 10 Years

Compared to who you were ten years ago, you've changed a great deal.
In fact, you're probably in a completely different phase of your life - and very happy about it!

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

2007-12-12T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hey this is kinda cool! I've only just turned 30 ...

You've Experienced 64% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get.
And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Chinese Horoscope - Snake Part 4 (Love)

2007-12-12T10:51:00.000-05:00

So I'm currently still fascinated by the horoscope thing. *chuckle* I usually get like that, by first running my mind through a topic until I've completely considered all angles that I can think of. Reading and absorbing information wherever I can find it. You know, I think I do that with relationships as well.

I think it's always been part of my nature to consider everything and make a decision. I dont like wandering around (from a mental point of view). I think this can be difficult when it comes to relationships since not all things can be considered at a single point in time. And re-consideration of things can frustrate the other party. *chuckle*

Anyway, TargetWoman tells me that ...

Snake: People born in the year 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989 and 2001 belong to the snake sign. They have a compatible relationship with rooster and ox and a non-compatible relationship with pig. Dog is the wedding star for these people and they are likely to find their soul mate in the year of dog. Keeping a stone or porcelain model of a dog in the northwest section of their house or carrying a dog key chain helps them in finding the right person.

And Hearts and Kisses say ...

According the Chinese Love Horoscope, the person born in the year of the Snake is perhaps the wisest and most enigmatic of all. He or she can become a philosopher, a theologian, a political wizard or a wily financier. Such a person is a thinker who also likes to live well. The Snake loves books, music, clothes, and fine food, and with all their fondness for the good things in life their innate elegance gives them a dislike for frivolities and small talk.

Snakes like communicating and enjoy interesting conversations; if the conversation becomes repetitive their attention may soon wander. It is almost impossible to fix their attention for long talking about every day habits. They prefer to focus on new, interesting and evolutionary ideas in general.

These people have a special talent that enables them to judge situations correctly. They are alert to new possibilities: when they have an idea of what to do and how to do it, they will pursue it persistently and energetically.

In Chinese astrology it is believed that they are self-confident and willing to listen to someone else's opinion, but don't necessarily take it to heart. In fact, by refusing to listen to constructive advice they may be prone to getting into needless trouble.

Although it is difficult for such people to take advice, they are patient with others when it comes to giving a helping hand, and their ability to look at a problem from a variety of angles is extremely useful. When faced with a dilemma, Snakes, as a rule, act with speed and conviction, since they believe intensely in what they are doing and rarely waste time or energy on projects lacking in good potential.

According to the Chinese Love Horoscope, the Snake is most compatible with the signs Rooster and Ox. They tend to disagree with the Pig, Tiger, Horse & Monkey but as in all relationships, basic conflicts need to be resolved.

Master Rao's specific prediction for Dec 2007 says ...

First two weeks
Four stars will join together to give you a bright-colored period on the amorous plane. If you're already living in couple, there'll be an awakening of passion, however with some memorable disagreements. As for singles, many of them will make a very important encounter. But one cannot be sure that this event will be easy to deal with. In any case, the first times of the story might prove quite destabilizing. But such are the risks of love!

Last two weeks
Excellent astral climate for your love affairs. The love sector of your chart is admittedly devoid of planets, but you won't be forgotten by Heaven for that. The star Long Duc will incline you to beautiful joy of living which will quite favorably affect your love life. Great complicity for couples. Moreover, the planet Hong Loan will propose you a very promising period. This can result in thrilling love at first sight for numerous singles.

Bi-weekly Love predictions for 2008 are interesting to follow.

What's your inner colour?

2007-12-12T07:58:00.000-05:00

Your Inner Color is Purple

Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great.

You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a partner who sees your vision and adopts it as their own.

Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.

What's Your Inner Color?

Chinese Horoscope - Snake Part 3

2007-12-11T12:45:00.000-05:00

Now of course, how far can one get through internet searches without coming across the famous Wikipedia! Information on Snakes here. But with everything being editable by everyone and anyone, who knows how accurate anything is.

But as always, there is the usefulness of corroborative evidence!

In the light of considering compatibility with various years of people and so on, this web site provides a really useful table to see who is born in which year and so on.

Surprisingly, US Bridal offers a great long informational page on Snakes! I think it was one of the first pages I read originally in a random search many weeks ago.

Travel Silk Road has an interesting page which describes the historical, cultural and "religious" significance of the Snake.

Chinese Horoscope - Snake Part 2

2007-12-11T12:33:00.000-05:00

I do love this description from www.rainfall.com ...

Snakes are romantic and charming. They are deep thinkers and always mysterious. Snakes are graceful and soft spoken. They love a good book and appreciate all of the arts. They lean towards all of the finer things in life. Snakes trust themselves above all others and are seldom wrong; but behind a sophisticated front,Snakes are very superstitious!

Snakes are good with money and don't have to worry about finances. Somehow, when money is needed, it appears. In spite of their good luck with money, Snakes should never gamble. They could suffer big losses if they did, but Snakes learn fast. Once they have made a mistake,they never repeat it. They also never forgive you if you break a promise. By nature they are skeptical beings but keep their suspicions to themselves. They are very private and not concerned with the business of others. Idle gossip is not for them.

Snakes can be possessive in their relationships with others.They are passionate but jealous lovers. You can never tell how far Snakes will go to achieve their aims. They are relentless and their computer-like brains never stop plotting.When you anger them, you feel their icy hostility instead of hearing any sharp words. They will bide their time for revenge, so watch out! Snakes are elegant dressers, well-mannered, and always discrete. They always appear quiet and docile, but watch out, they never betray their true feelings. Their moves are planned out well in advance and they will hold their position to the bitter end. They can be evasive, and just when you think you have them, they slip away.

Snakes make good politicians since they can negotiate just about anything. Snakes also have a great sense of humor, and even in a crisis situation, they can lighten the atmosphere. They never lose their spark even when weighed down by trouble themselves. Being pillars of strength,they always maintain their presence of mind during confusion or crisis.

Snakes have beautiful skin. They possess a cool and classic air about them. They love expensive things,too. Snakes save for the real thing rather than buy an imitation. Snakes admire power and surround themselves with successful people. Their many talents and natural abilities make them sought-after as leaders. People admire and support Snakes even if they don't understand them.

Whatever happens, Snakes always strike out for themselves. They know how to use people and situations to their advantage. They are destined for fame and fortune.

But on another search I think THIS is even better!! (From Infinit Pages by Garrick)...

(And even though it does tend to refer to "male" Snakes, really it's not that inaccurate.)

Snakes have always been the seducers of human beings. If you know the story of "The White Snake", you will understand what I mean. In reality, Snake people are born charming and popular. Snakes are spotlight magnets, and they will not be ignored. Peer group attention and public recognition are the least of what he expects. Yet Snakes are never noisy or deliberately outspoken, and they have have excellent manners.

Unlike the Snake who seduced Eve in to sin. the astrological Snake, is not a devil, not even a little demon. The Snake is a nice oversexed normal human being. Determined to follow through anything he undertakes to the bitter end, the Snake detests being left in the air. He makes his decisions quickly and firmly.

Most people are secretly or hopelessly in love with Snakes. Gather those frustrated folk you know and most likely, they are probably in love with a Snake. Irresistible as they seem, the Snake never wastes time in idle gossip. He thinks often and deeply. He is an intellectual, a philosophers, a cerebral person. Snake people rely heavily on first impressions, on their own feelings, on their sympathies, rather than on facts, on the advice and opinions on others. He seems to have a kind of sixth sense in this way.

Snakes are a bit tight when it comes to lending money, though his sympathy for others often leads him to offer help. The fatal flaw in his character is, in fact, a tendency to exaggerate - in helping friends as with everything else. If he does somebody a favor, he becomes possessive towards them in an odd way.

Another big flaw in a Snake's character is that, they are capable of biggie lies. White lies, true lies, whatever they call them, though they don't lie often, they do lie when they feel they can get away from it.

In money matters, the Snake has good luck: he doesn't have to worry - he'll always be able to lay his hand on money when he needs it. Generally, Snakes are careful but generous with friends and family. The Snake should stick to careers that won't involve him in any risk - even the risk of working too hard, for to tell the truth, the Snake is a bit lazy.

In love, the Snake male is romantic and charming. He has a sense of humor and the female is usually beautiful and successful. but if a Snake chooses a partner, he'll be jealous and possessive - even if he no longer loves her. Rejection is the worst blow his delicate ego can suffer. The Snake must be received, welcomed, accepted and approved by those with whom he comes in contact. They need a lot of security.

Personality-wise, Snakes are not people who can be easily ignored. They possess a strong, charismatic presence and a charm which has been described by some astrologers as "bewitching" or "beguiling." With a penetrating eye and attention to the desires of their conquests, they're known as experts in the art of seduction.

People born during the Year of the Snake are said to be endowed with wisdom and with deep philosophical understanding. They are born thinkers who excel in finding solutions to complex problems. In matters of business they can be shrewd, biding their time in making a deal only to strike like lightning and make a killing when they judge the moment is right. Thus in life, the majority of Snakes are financially successful and generally lucky with money; their fortunes very much depend on their careful and considered judgment in financial affairs and on their intuitive feelings in business negotiations. These are clever, intelligent people who take time to formulate their ideas and opinions. Even when they are at their laziest, their minds are working overtime, laying their schemes and hatching their plots for the future.

Snakes are wise, philosophical, calm, and understanding. They are receptive and physically alluring, often fickle. Success and fame come easily to Snakes. They can be treacherous creatures who delight in intrigue and who wouldn't think twice about double-crossing someone in order to save their own skins. Their calculating natures will never forgive or forget a slight. They can be lazy and self-indulgent. Their innate elegance can at times be ostentatious.

Subtle, secretive, elusive and enigmatic, there is an element of the mysterious that surrounds the Snake personality. Perhaps this is due to their intuitive faculties, or perhaps it is a consequence of their strong inner spirituality which can manifest itself in an interest in religion, mysticism or the occult.

A Snake can be counted on to carry a project through to the end. Their decisions are quick and firm, but they are formed by first impressions, on sympathies and feelings logically assembled in their minds -- rather than by simple facts alone. The Snake will fight and plod for anything they believe in and allow nothing to stand in his or her way. At ease in all circumstances and possessing uncommon self-discipline, the Snake achieves great heights and honors in his or her career, enjoying the well deserved respect of an admiring entourage.

Snakes are a bit tight when it comes to lending money, though their sympathy for others often leads them to offer help. The help will be in kind rather than in cash, however; the Snake is freer with himself than he is with his money! The fatal flaw in the Snake's character is, in fact, a tendency to exaggerate -- in helping friends as with everything else. If a Snake does somebody a favor, he becomes possessive toweard them in an odd way, so that finally he is more a hindrance than a help. The snake's serpentine nature leads him to coil and cling to the point where he can suffocate the object of his attention. Think twice then, before you accept an offer of help from a Snake; you could regret it!

In money matters, the Snake has good luck -- he simply doesn't have to worry about it. He will always be able to get money when he needs it, and he feels this so strongly that it has never bothered him at all. Once he has got it, though, he's a little stingy; that's why he never lends. In old age he can become quite miserly.

Snakes are notoriously good looking and like to project the best image of themselves that they can. Both men and women of the sign have elegant and stylish taste in clothes; the men are sexy and always have a bit of the dandy about them, and the ladies are seductive and rave over smart accessories. Whether in looks or in circumstances, Snakes simply have a magical knack of making the very best out of the most mediocre.

In Japan, those wishing to pay a woman a compliment and acknowledge her beauty are accustomed to say: "My dear, you are a real snake!" -- a pleasantry most likely to be misinterpreted in the West.

As with real snakes, which hibernate in the cold season and come out when it's warm, Snake people shine in the hot months. And the Snake born at midday in the heat of a tropical summer will be happier than one born in the middle of an icy night in winter. The destiny of those born under this sign is so sensitive to the inclemencies of climate that the almanac warns Snakes born on a stormy day that they will face danger throughout their lives.

The Sensual Snake

The Snake personality is described as careful, and when it comes to the choice of a partner these people are infinitely selective. For them, only the best will do. Elegance will be one of the first attractions, but so too is good breeding and delicate manners. When they find the partner of their dreams they will brook no opposition, allow nothing to stand in their way, until they win the heart of the object of their desire. Having won their prize, they then become possessive and jealous, fearful that it should slip out of their hands. Deeply passionate, these are demanding lovers, highly sensual creatures, sexy in the extreme. Lady Snakes are ultra-feminine -- sultry, exotic creatures, femmes fatales in every sense. Success and power will turn her on and she will probably make a beeline for the richest and most influential person she can find.

Those born under the sign of the Snake often tend to be afflicted with a wandering eye, especially the Snake males who delight in women. Unfortunately, both sexes tend to complicate their lives with extramarital affairs. If they can struggle against this trait and succeed in channelling their affections inwards towards their own families, they will gain enormous serenity and inner harmony in their lives. If the Snake settles down, he or she can become a marvelous parent, creating a calm and stable atmosphere for their offspring.

The Snake will often have a large family -- for him, it's just one more way of making sure that his wife has no time to play around like he does.

The Rabbit, Ram and Dog are on good terms with Snakes, but the Rat and the Rooster annoy them. A firm alliance can be achieved with the Horse. The Snake will be happy with the Ox, who is content to be overrun by this family on condition that the Ox is always accepted as boss -- a role that the Snake willingly concedes in the home. The Boar should beware of the Snake who will impose upon him, ensnare and immobilize him, while the Snake wallows in his own faults, knowing that he can get away with it.

June is the month of the Snake. The time of the Snake is from 9:00 a.m. to 10:59 a.m.; their direction of orientation is south-southeast. The Snake's color is red.

Compatibility

(1 - least compatible, 100 - most compatible)
Rat 67 - Better be friends than lovers.
Ox 85 - This union can be a good one.
Tiger 67 - Difficult to see what they could see in each other.
Rabbit 61 - Think again.
Dragon 63 - This might work.
Snake 51 - Complicated drama, better avoid.
Horse 75 - These two are strongly attracted to each other.
Sheep 69 - This might work.
Monkey 57 - Perhaps, it depends on the monkey.
Rooster 90 - A love connection, Omens favorable.
Dog 67 - This could work.
Pig 45 - The Pig can never please the Snake.

Chinese Horoscope - Snake

2007-12-11T12:19:00.000-05:00

I've often been fascinated by Astrology and fortune telling. I'm always curious to see how accurate something like that can be. How can one piece of information apply to so many different people? If something like the 12 Western zodiacs can account for the personalities of all the people in the world -- why are we so different? I then rationalise that it must take into account, the time of birth and other factors to explain complexity. Why then are 2 people born at almost the same time on the same day still different? (This referring to twins of course, who are born very close together but still possess different qualities or develop different characteristics and personalities.)

However, I have learned to read palms. I can cast a tarot deck and I have some basic knowledge of Western and Chinese Astrology.

After the events of my past, I try to read the astrology and "look back" to reflect and analyse how the horoscope could have predicted various events. It can be quite interesting. I will have to remember to write about the palm reading I had when I was 15/16.

Now, recently I was at Kinokuniya and looking at Lillian Too's Feng Shui Book of Horoscopes for Snakes. Both my grandma and I are snakes and I figured this was a good way to entertain her.

Apparently, Snakes are (according to Chinese Astrology.Com) ....

Diplomatic and popular, the Snake has the sensual art of seduction down. This Sign is an interesting mix of gregariousness paired with introversion, intuitive reasoning paired with savvy business skills. Snakes are considered to be lucky with money and will generally have more than enough to live life to the fullest, regardless of how important it considers money to be; this may be due to the fact that Snakes tend to be rather tight with cash. They're not stingy, they're simply more mentally than physically active. Snakes tend to hang back a bit in order to analyze a situation before jumping into it. Their charming, seductive quality actually belies a rather retiring nature; this Sign is perfectly happy to spend the whole day curled up with a good book and, thus, can be mislabeled as being lazy.

The Snake is somewhat insecure deep down and tend to be a rather jealous, possessive lover, behavior that can end up alienating loved ones. Despite these less-than-stellar tendencies, however, the Snake often proves irresistible and is a generous, loving partner. Slightly dangerous and disarmingly smart, the Snake's philosophical and intuitive mind generally supersedes logic in favor of feelings and instinct. Snakes will rely on their own gut reactions and intuitions before turning to others for suggestions. This makes this Sign a great hand in any business venture, possessing the caution and smarts needed to get ahead.

Snakes are hard workers (when they see good reason to be!) and are possessed of a keen intelligence. Snakes have incredible follow-through, once they get going, and they expect the same from others. Thus, their coworkers and employees had best stay on their toes, lest they anger the Snake and suffer its poisonous bite!

In general, of course, Snakes are generous and genteel, charming and appealing. Snakes must try to learn humility and to develop a stronger sense of self. Once Snakes realize that confidence comes from within, they will finally be comfortable in their own skin.

The most compatible match for a Snake is the Rooster or the Ox.

I know I am a Fire Snake. When I told my grandmother this, she laughed and said that would explain my fiery temperamental nature. Chuckling. I suppose it is true to some extent.

According to www.tuvy.com ...

Snake people enter a room and there is Music, Music, Joy! Everyone dances! Such high spirit! The Snake is so intense and passionate, just as likely to take out the castanets as to climb mountains of snow. Snake year people are charming and romantic, often planning delightful hideaway surprises. Possessing tremendous wisdom, they are deep, quiet thinkers, calm by nature, but most intense. They often get involved in great causes, bigger than life, and often serve as mentors to the young. To paraphrase Confucius, they have a kind of inner beauty that arises, hovers, then comes to nest. They will have an abundance of good fortune and a long and prosperous life.

Sharkfin Soup and Chinese Cabbage are among keys to good health!!

The Fire Snake is like a meteor in the sky, brilliant and alive. With spellbinding eloquence, the Snake converses with conviction on a broad range of topics, but realizes that good conversation lies as much in the listening as the talking. The Snake does both very well, raising communication to a very high and elegant art. People love to be in the company of this very graceful Fire Snake, who is always pleasant, provocative, humorous, and quick witted. With split second reflexes, they are constantly conceiving new ideas and coming up with new schemes. This entrepreneurial spirit makes headlines and the Fire Snake is much admired. Because of their ambition, perseverance, and infinite patience, and wise financial moves made early in life, their fortunes grow steadily. By the time middle age arrives, financial fortune is truly theirs. Relationships follow the same path, through faithfulness, perseverance, and willingness to make relationships really work, the future is always bright.

According to Sexual Astrology.Com ...

SNAKE: Snakes make good philosophers and are considered to be the deepest thinkers in the Chinese zodiac. Possessing incredible wisdom and intuition, Snakes enjoy intrigue but yearn for relaxation. You can be lazy and too reserved in conversations. You tend to over analyze your love relationships. Highly skeptical by nature, you tend to be meticulous in your search for the perfect lover. Work on improving your communication skills and aim to control the venomous side within you. In sex and love you can be jealous, insecure when you feel wronged. You will strike back at those who have betrayed you. Preferring tenderness to wild passion, you enjoy open displays of affection. Your kindness and charm lure prospective partners, and you prove to be solid and reliable in the long run. Your ideal match is someone who is romantic and trusting. Stay away from possessive types!

And apparently, www.ofesite.com thought I was ...

Rich in wisdom and charm, Snakes are romantic and deep thinkers. Their intuition guides them strongly. Snakes usually do things at their own pace, and when the moment is right, shed their skin and take up something completely new. It is for this reason that people avoid Snakes -- They can't handle their mistrust and secretiveness. Although sociable at times, they have a strong desire to be left alone. Snakes are actually subtle workers -- imperceptibly manuevering and manipulating until they are in the position to get what they want. Attracted to elegant and refined partners, they are deeply jealous and possessive when involved in relationships.

(continued in another post)

Visiting Home

2007-12-10T12:02:00.000-05:00

A long break was owed to me over Christmas and I decided to take the 5 weeks vacation back home to Singapore. It has so far proved to be an interesting time. When you're away from a country that you've been brought up in, but have matured as an individual in a different country, you return ... thinking different things, considering different thoughts, valuing different ideas.

The first few hours were still blissful when I stepped off the plane into the warm humid evening air. A family dinner was due and I was summarily swept from Changi Airport to home in Tanjong Katong to have a quick shower and refresh before a buffet dinner. No respected Singaporean would ever consider a family dinner without first considering a buffet! (Buffet = all you can eat.)

While that night was blissful, the days after that followed reminded me clearly of the lack of civility and social consciousness that some of the Singaporean people lacked. People raised their voices at the receptionist/radiology technicians at the Radiology Department due to having to wait. Some were quite irate!! Complaining about "why does the registration system take so long. It's ridiculous." But really what did they understand about the registration system! Or any health system? Another example is when I was reversing slowly in a slightly crowded area in order to maneuver my grandmother in her wheelchair to get a better view of the little cakes being made before we ordered. A mother came from behind with her 3 year old child in a pram and nearly swore at me for not watching where I was going. Sigh. I was moving backwards VERY slowly and she was coming forwards towards me. Surely she had eyes and was looking forward? After all, it was only the back of my ankles that collided with the front wheels of the pram far from her precious child. And my grandmother was precious too. Did she think her "load" was more precious than mine? I should have cut her down more severely a notch instead of simply saying "sorry I was moving very slowly. I havent got a rear view mirror" which implied a few things.

Insanity.

Now, my friend/s in Australia complain about "bogans" which are a specific class / social group in Sydney who perhaps lack income, social education, regular education etc etc. As such, they tend to have certain mind frames and think in certain ways. Or rather, dont think in certain ways. I think there must be a "bogan" population here in Singapore too. The rude, arrogant, self-serving individuals who's narrow view of the world revolves around themselves.

I just cant imagine how people dont know how to act around wheelchairs! I was almost given such dirty looks for "obstructing" narrow wheelchair unfriendly paths as I struggled to maintain normality. My grandmother deserves to go out too and I'm not willing to risk her overtiring herself or slipping and falling - hence the wheel chair. It's just insane really. I do apologise when I have to squeeze past people but they dont need to be rude to me! Insane insane.

How do these people even think they deserve caring generous medical care from doctors at hospitals if they treat people like that?!

This is what happens when the Singapore government hides away our elderly, handicapped, insane and mentally delayed!! And insists that any individual who is unable to contribute in an economical fashion is not worth anything!!

Purity Tests

2007-12-09T11:29:00.000-05:00

Wow so many types of Purity Tests

This could go on for a while ....

What kind of monster are you?

2007-12-09T11:24:00.000-05:00

Well this was kinda interesting ....

You Are a Witch (or Warlock)

You are deviously brilliant and a perfect manipulator.
You somehow always end up getting what you want - without anyone knowing you're working behind the scenes.
Crafty and cunning, you can work your way out of any jam.
And it's easy for you to get people to do what you want, whether you're working for good or evil.

Your greatest power: Mind control

Your greatest weakness: Making people your puppets

You play well with: Ghosts

What Kind of Monster Are You?

What does your handwriting say about you?

2007-12-08T10:41:00.000-05:00

True to form in this textual environment, we cannot tell what the handwriting is like -- only the expressions with which the handwriting takes.

I came across one of these internet questionnaires which comprise of usually less than 10 questions which promise to give insight into your person.

Just for fun, I did this one.

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress.

You are very extroverted and outgoing. You are loving, friendly, and supportive. However, you are also manipulative and controlling at times.

You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others.

You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well.

You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart.

You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

Elizabeth : The Golden Age

2007-12-05T08:48:00.000-05:00

I rewarded myself with a trip to the cinema. Solo of course. It would ruin my experience otherwise as I wanted to immerse myself deeply in this movie. The first one "Elizabeth" (1998) had captured my mind and attention. The costumes were beautiful. Gorgeous to admire. And the woman Queen Elizabeth I captured my attention.

In this sequal, Cate Blanchett was still formidable complex romantic and heartbroken as in the earlier version. But somewhere older and perhaps not wiser, her emotions still broke the surface. When the time came, she could be Queen. There was this interplay between the private Elizabeth and the public facade which was fascinating to watch.

I admire this Woman who would be Queen. That no man would rule her Fate. She was herself.

Official Site for Elizabeth : The Golden Age

"I am called the Virgin Queen.
Umarried, I have no Master.
Childless, I am Mother to my people.
God give me strength to bear this mighty burden."

- Queen Elizabeth I

In the movie, it is added "I am myself".

Which is an interesting throw on the quote ... because sometimes it can be a burden to be true to oneself.

Days long gone ...

2007-12-04T08:02:00.000-05:00

Do you ever find yourself ... watching an old movie/show ... or reading an old book .... in an attempt to recapture that time where you were a different person? Had different thoughts?

I have heard people talk of how music can bring them back to "that time". It's that kind of sensory memory stimulation I guess that we all engage in from time to time.

Ah these days long gone.

The days of our youth and innocence.

The days of endless hope and idealism.

These days are long gone.

Sex and the City - more reflections

2007-12-04T07:48:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that watching Sex in the City now allows me to consider and reflect on the significant and insignificant, important and unimportant "relationships" of my past.

The first boy I really fell in love at 16 with, tried to explain the concept of 'lust' to me.

The useless guy who was 7 years older than me when I was 17, was really useless. I learned about never to get involved where there were others involved.

I was dating at 17-18, my first "serious" relationship with this guy lasted 9 months. Oh it was major. His parents disliked me because I was confident and chatty. The first time I tried to make it work by sacrificing stuff. However, I learned the power of stockings.

At 18, was when I met the boy who was later to be my husband. We were together for 4 years long distance, together for another 1 year, married for 5 and that's it. 10 years - all gone. I learned ... a LOT ... but when people now try to apologise for "hurting me". All I can do is make eyes at them in total disbelief ... how could they possibly imagine that they (of like 2 months) could perform the kind of hurt that I let my ex-husband do to me for years? lol. I laugh.

Briefly over the distance, I met other people. There is T who is like Mr Big to Carrie. 10 years ago we met, 10 years later ... things aren't the same but yet they are in some way. I am unsure if it is a place I want to revisit. B who taught me that the dreamy ideal of the tall slim fair dark haired boy was not unavailable to me. But also taught me that unreliability really drives me nuts. And of course there was C ... oh the lust ... *laughing* I think that was it really. We couldnt keep our hands off each other but quite quite incompatible. I learned a lot there too.

And now ... I start again. With lessons learned and steps to go forward. More stories to tell.

Sex and The City

2007-12-03T06:50:00.000-05:00

When Sex and the City first came out a few years ago, my main reason for watching it was first to watching how these beautiful confident women dressed and carried themselves. The issues that they dealt with in the various episodes itself, were much like stories to me. They were events that happened to other people of which I had no first hand knowledge.

As the years passed, my life changed and for a long time I didnt watch Sex in the City at all. A combination of it not being shown on Free to Air and having my DVD box sets packed up.

Now I have cable and I can watch episodes of Sex in the City every night. I dont watch every episode faithfully now because I know the general trend of the story. But the stories that are told within the series hold a different meaning and purpose now.

In some ways, the 4 different women appeal to all of us because they are mostly separate individuals of different extremes. There is Charlotte - the infinite dreamer, romantic, idealist, and desiring mother-to-be. Miranda - who isnt a romantic, a realist, practicalist, ironic confident and very smart woman who did become a mother. Samantha - confident, sexy, fully aware of herself and the fact that she appears as like a man about sex as we think, is amazing to us viewers. Finally, Carrie - the woman who is a bit of this and a bit of that but perhaps most of all she's a thinker who is less secure in herself, in her life, than the other 3 women.

When we look at these women, we can identify with each one of them. We either see ourselves in them, we are proud that they could 'do that' or we envy what they have.

But that's what draws us to the show.

In the last season, I was watching Charlotte fall for a man (Harry) who did not appear at first to be anyone she was interested in. But the most important part was that he loved her and was devoted to her. He thought she was the most wonderful creature on the planet. He holds her as precious to him. And in a way he must because she's so innocent and fragile sometimes. Now of note, he's smart and capable and a lawyer.

Miranda has something similar. She's technical and capable but Steve loves her despite her flaws and differences from his person. Somehow Steve can see past whatever Miranda sets up or is afraid of ... and patiently in his own intelligent way get through to her. Of course, what I notice is the difference in dynamic between the two. Steve by profession was a bartender. Miranda is a lawyer. Infinitely differently educated people - but somehow by luck? Or by hard work? They are still together. For any woman, this would be difficult. It is "traditional" in society that the man is the equal or more capable of the two. Of course, capability is measured in many ways. And Miranda, she who was not really one who wanted to have a child, is the only one in the series (I think) who does have a child - Brady. Interesting. Story twist of course to make life interesting for the character.

Life imitates art? Or Art imitates life?

After all, in life, do we not grow because we are thrown curve balls which makes us think beyond our zoned square of comfort?

Samantha ends up being with the younger good looking guy. Their relationship has a different dynamic too. He wants to commit, she's shy of that. It's quite interesting watching her set up barriers and being all "ok" about this or that.

Carrie ... well we all know who she ends up with. Mr Big in that love-hate-on-off-magnetic-destructive-kismet relationship. She messes it up with Aidan who was really sweet to her (though imo maybe a bit dumb) and she realises what she was having with Alexander was not suitable for her.

To write or not to write ...

2007-12-02T01:08:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, I used to keep a handwritten diary. I would write it in my thoughts, strange daydreams and everything in between. I think I kept something written up until the age of 18. Then I started burning things.

I have this excellent memory of purging some useless "boyfriend" who was 7 years older than me (I was 18 at the time) and he was a complete moron really. But I was young, foolish and thought fairy tale endings happened. What did I know really. So back to the purging ... I took the diary to a local park where we had BBQ pits. And I burned every single page that I'd written about him. I burned it all.

Diaries do backfire though. Other people can read them for one thing - so there's really never any privacy.

Which brings me to the question now about writing here.

On one hand, I write here as a form of record and vindication. I've grown used to the dance of my fingers on the keyboard. I write too as a way to remind myself of things passed and in the future when I look back I can say "wow I have grown."

On the other hand, it'd be funny if the people I wrote about read this. It would be funny if anyone read this at all really. Other blogs are full of humour or strange things or social commentry, this is just my social commentry on things but not really created to feed any particular audience.

So ... to write or not to write? That is the question.

Some new job?

2007-11-29T10:23:00.000-05:00

I'd been living off my savings for a while now and hadn't really thought about getting a new job. The holiday season meant that there was a lot of casual stuff that I could do without needing to write up a impressive looking resume. That would keep me going for a while.

Job wise ... well there were a few options. I could go back to working in the medical field. Of course, I'd have to sit the horrible dreaded USMLE's since I hadn't been quite up to sitting it while I was going through the trauma of my marriage and then divorce. This would require preparation of some sort and so it would probably be something to think about for later rather than presently.

If not, I could always go back to working at IT helpdesk. I enjoyed the social interactions from that quite a bit and didn't mind helping people who didn't know how to save a file in Microsoft Word, or weren't really sure what 'a mouse' was. It did get on your nerves after a while.

Or I could go back to some sort of teaching or academia. More studies? Er maybe not for a while yet. It's almost like I need to be doing something different for a while first before I can go back to what I'd originally been trudging myself through.

Starting anew

2007-11-29T09:54:00.000-05:00

Starting anew isn't always as easy as it looks. Things never quite happen immediately and usually you need perseverence to pursue the goal that you have set for yourself. First you make the decision. Then you see the decision through.

The place I was renting was pretty nice. It was something different. While I hadn't ever really enjoyed living in apartments, this loft in Turner Warehouse was something else. It had giant windows which let the light in beautifully. I'd gotten some furniture but it was pretty basic stuff without too many fancy colours. The walls were still this plain beige in true "rental apartment" style but the one thing I did love, was the vibrancy of The City. Through the night, there were still people walking the streets and things were still "happening". I loved the view that my apartment afforded me. While it wasn't very high up, it was my view and for the first time in 6 years I was living alone again. This was going to take some getting used to.

Well, the whole "being single" again was taking some getting used to. There were many times when I realised my marriage was over - the most obvious was when I realised we were no longer "on the same side". We no longer played for the same team. Perhaps that was true for quite some time, but never so clear as when you engage separate attorneys to sort out your assets and settle the divorce paperwork. Suddenly, the years you spent working to communicate well with one another, to work as a team ... all just go up in smoke. Everything goes through the lawyers. And frankly, it is better that way. You just start to heal more easily when you're not constantly faced with "the other person".

In some ways, I was lucky in that he had completely given up on a lot of things and that he wasn't in nature vicious. I walked away with whatever I had brought to the marriage and everything my parents had given me. And I let him walk away with whatever he brought to the marriage. Yes, I could've gone to court and sued him for all the money my family spent on his 5 years of full time University education - tuition fees, expenses, computers. My parents took him in like a son and treated him like one after we got married. Needless to say, there were at least 3 people who felt betrayed by his 'giving up'.

I've known in my heart for a long time that there was a high chance it wasn't going to work out between us. For a lot of reasons, I thought and felt this. But even though I felt this, I still gave it my best shot. I sacrificed my own career to support him in his work and I did the best that I could under the circumstances. It wasn't enough.

I don't beat myself up over the "failure" of my marriage anymore. I haven't for quite some time now. I did my best and I know we just weren't suited for one another. He didn't appreciate what he had in me. I never felt that he was more capable than me enough that I could trust him. Towards the end, he slept with a prostitute instead and came home to tell me. He was remorseful and full of pain. I was just in shock. He said "and she didn't smell as nice as you". Well what did he expect? I was the wife who was devoted and who loved him and cared for him above my own self. I was the wife that he was physically intimate with once or twice a year. But he chose to sleep with the prostitute?

What was funny was a few days later, I got blamed for lending him my car so he could get to his phD research meetings - and it was because I lent him the car that he went and drove to see this prostitute! I mean, come on, he could've taken a taxi there for $10.

Of course, it's easier for him to put the blame on me for things. It's easier for him to move on. Much like it was easier for me to be angry with him for giving up, for betraying me ... and to move on. In my own mind, I dont think I'll ever really know what happened. But the important thing is that now it's over. You move on, you try not to make the same mistakes again and you don't look back.

To keep moving ...

2007-11-29T09:34:00.000-05:00

Months ago, I decided that I was going to leave my old life behind and start anew. It was time for a change. It was time for me to try to do things differently.

I had been married for 5 years and when the paperwork for the divorce finally came through, I breathed a sigh of relief. I no longer wished to be burdened by the heartbreak or the sorrow that had clouded most of the 5 years. I no longer wanted to live in the past. I wanted to move on. I had no idea what the future was going to hold for me, but if I didn't keep moving, then it would mean I was staying put in exactly the same place. That would never do.

So I took a chance, I took a bet. I packed up my things in my old apartment. I put the apartment on for sale. Some things I put things in storage. We'd lived in that apartment together for the last couple of years. Neither of us had ever really loved it, but we figured it would be a decent investment and the location was good. But things happened. And I dont really want to live there anymore. It was time to let the material things that signified the past go and to let it all go.

I've never been one to hold onto things that weren't going to be. I've never been one to really hold onto memories of ex-s or things of the past. The past was the past and now it was over. Well, I suppose that's not exactly true since I sometimes hold onto some grudges. Not intentionally. It's just that when people cross a line with me ... The line is crossed and they can never go back onto the other side.